So you should know by now that I’m prone to do somewhat crazy things with little preparation: Trying out for the Navy Seals, taking chemistry as a 37-year-old undergraduate, entering the World Series of Poker.
Now you can add getting a spray-on tan to that list.
Yearly Archives: 2009
Where Did the Money Go?
Gratuity for dealers and casino staff – $300
Pot-sweetener for my ladies’ home game – $100
New iPhone that is smarter, faster and stronger than my husband’s – $199
Cool accessories for my iPhone that is smarter, faster and stronger than my husband’s – $124
New battery for my MacBook – $129
5-piece patio furniture set with puffy cushions – $1,497
“Hey Pat, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll fix me a drink so I don’t have to get up off the couch.” – $100
Round of drinks and appetizers for friends and clients – $96
10% tithing to Local First Arizona* – $331
Spa day with my Mom – $256
Another round for my family and clients – $48
Two rebuys for Dirk’s home game – $40
Contribution to Ponyboy’s Africa Trip – $50
Taking my coworkers out for drinks to celebrate, TBA – $91
Burning through $3,361 of the house’s money in just under two weeks: Priceless.
Guess I gotta get back to work now.
*When I joined the board of Local First, I told our executive director Kimber that I’d give her a 10% stake in all my winnings. Prior to the Ladies State Poker Championship, my contributions amounted to $6 here, $30 there and a whopping $1.20 on one memorable occasion. It was quite a treat to count out $331 at the last board meeting, and one of our new members actually made a motion to send me to Vegas for a fundraiser. The Nays carried.
I’m No. 7!
Being berated by professional poker player Annie Duke at the World Series of Poker Academy in June has its benefits:
That would be me doing snow angels on my bed in the $3,361 that I won for finishing seventh at the Fourth Annual Arizona State Ladies Poker Championship on Saturday at Casino Arizona.
More on the Most Important Safety Tip… Ever
Went to the doctor for my follow-up exam – thrilled to have made it two full weeks without putting anything in my vagina. Fortunately, because I followed the MOST IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP… EVER, my parts are healing up quite nicely… so I had to compliment my doctor on her excellent advice.
“You know, I thought your post-op instructions were awesome – I mean, there’s no misunderstanding involved at all with: DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA. I thought that was hilarious.”
“Well, it’s not a joke. You’d think when we told people not to have sex or use tampons for two weeks that they would have figured it out, but no, we had a woman who did some damage with a really large dildo. So we had to be very clear.”
Ergo, anything.
“So what’s the strangest thing you’ve ever found in a vagina?”
“Me?” she looked up from the modesty drape and thought for a moment. “Toothpaste.”
“Toothpaste,” I said. “Guess she was going for that minty fresh feel.”
“I had no idea. I couldn’t figure that one out – toothpaste.”
She must’ve had a really bad cavity.
(Be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses – we’ll be here all week. Hat-tip to Pat for that one.)
Most Important Safety Tip… Ever
Today, I received the most helpful medical advice ever, and in the interest of promoting good health and saving countless lives and untold heartache, I am proud to share it with you: DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA.
I’m having gynecological surgery, an in-office procedure to remove a benign polyp from my uterus. No, it is NOT a fetus – come on now, settle down. I’m not that bad – close, but not there yet.
To ensure I was comfortable with and prepared for my procedure, my doctor discussed in person and then mailed a hard copy of the pre- and post-op directions. They included the Most Important Safety Tip EVER.