It’s Saturday, May 21 at 8:53 PM Pacific Time. If you’re reading this from the comforts of home, welcome to the Apocalypse! Thanks for coming out!

Yes, the Apocalypse looks a lot like the Prepocalypse, except our friends at the nonprofit Family Radio Network aren’t here with us – at least I hope not.  According to them, today was the day the Lord was gonna call the Chosen home, if you believe 89-year-old civil engineer Harold Camping, who treated the Bible like his own personal version of The DaVinci Code.

Now, I don’t blame the Rapturian Candidate for trying. Surveying the landscape of End Time Signs, I could be easily persuaded:

1. The New Orleans Saints won the 2010 Super Bowl.
2. Oprah Winfrey taped her last show on Tuesday, May 17, for broadcast on May 25: Did she know something we didn’t?
3. Our so-called liberal-softy president just took out Osama bin Laden – and for the record, our president is black and is a US citizen.
4. Sarah Palin just closed on a house in my Scottsdale ZIP code.

Taken together, I can only come to one conclusion: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

Continue reading The Rapturian Candidate →

My Sarah Palin toilet paper arrived in the mail yesterday.

As with the heavy feeling of relief you seek after downing the whole burrito (along with two baskets of chips, a side of refried frijoles and three margaritas on the rocks with salt), anticipation does not approach the sense of eager yearning I had to test-drive this two-ply.

Raring to release her on my rear-end, I prepared my turd-pushing training table: Bananas, grapefruit, dried plums, with a side of pistachios. Taco Bell gorditas. Tasty McRib sandwiches. Expiration-dated milk (smells a little off, but still tastes fine!) I decided to forgo the obligatory sprinkling of cheese on every entree, lest any small action prevent me from achieving my goal. A can of pinto beans doused in Tabasco-habanero sauce? Check. A hearty bowl of Kashi with a tall glass of TempE.coli Town Lake water? Of course! Steamed broccoli with a side of shoe-peg corn? You betcha!

And I had seconds on the corn, thanks! Don’t retreat – reload!

Tonight would end with three capsules of Metamucil’s finest fiber supplements, washed down by a cold, hoppy beer (opened with my new iPhone bottle opener / protective phone case). Tomorrow would begin with two cups of black coffee and a morning run before my eagerly awaited morning runs.

Now, excuse me while I go punish the guest-room toilet.

“Turn on the vent!”

“Yes, Pat. I’m turning on the vent.”

“Don’t be upper-decking, either! I don’t want to deal with this on chore-day. Clean up after yourself!”

“That’s what Sarah Palin’s for!”

Continue reading Potty Humor →