stacy b-log

WARNING: The language contained in this blog entry is not suitable for polite conversation or children under 18 or adults over 18. In fact, if you have respect for the author and want to retain said esteem, it's best that you stop reading this now and maybe consult her tale of TOE WOE or perhaps her ode to dubs. Just skip this entry if you don't like profanity. The F-Bomb is dropped like a rain of terror no fewer than 12 times in the following entry. Don't complain that you weren't warned. Because what you're about to see is ugly... real ugly.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!

Wait! Don't come any closer - I promise, I'll be all right - just gotta catch my breath and say FUCK six more times. Just give me some space. I won't pass out. Well, I don't think I'm gonna pass out. Just gotta catch my breath... FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCKETY! FUCK!

My coworker Becky slammed by thumb in the car door yesterday. It was an accident. She felt worse about it than I actually did - until about 10 minutes ago when the Advil wore off and it began to throb.

It's my right thumb... And I'm right-handed. Fortunately, I've had six glasses of wine and 14 Advil since then to dull the pain. Ever since my thumb got hitched in the car door, I've begun to appreciate evolution tremendously. Fuck intelligent design: Opposable thumbs are where it's at.

Therightthumbisthe"spacebar"hitteronthetypewriter - Mine's turned purple; my thumb - not the space-bar. And so the simple movement of a keystroke has revealed the Zen-like beauty of the opposable thumb: You use your thumb to leverage wine bottles into the open and drinkable position, to pick up paperclips, to depress the tab on the front-door handles, to hold a pen and sign your name, to run your mechanical pencil through the Sudoku puzzle, to maneuver your toothbrush through your mouth, to grip stemware, to turn keys in ignitions and locks, to grasp the newspaper from its resting place in the driveway, to turn pages, to button shirts, tie shoes and grip zippers, to change the channel, and to do all sorts of unkind things to the thugs and prostitutes one encounters on the mean streets of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. (What can I say? I'm immersing myself in hip-hop culture).

The thumb is the best way to indicate a thumbs-up - rather than my current, preferred middle-finger salute.

Opposable thumbs distinguish the primates from other animals - thus we're able to pick up the paintbrush and make pretty pictures, rather than using our noses like the elephants. Opposable thumbs are what enables the female population of the species to fasten their bras - and the male population of the species to unfasten said undergarments. It's really not supposed to work the other way around. Just ask my sweet husband Pat, who helped me get dressed this morning.

And so, as I now as I wrap myself in new-found appreciation for my opposable digit, I offer a word of warning: Watch out for those car doors, kiddos, because my thumb really sucks.

Posted by stacy at 10:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Gotta hot new ride to replace the Porsche, and with it, I have learned that clothes do indeed make the man... or in this case, the MINI.

Check out the dubs on our tight new ride...

Now I realize that those of you not familiar with the vehicular arts might be saying, "Gee, Stacy, I'm not sure I get the whole deal with hubcaps." Or, if you're my Dad, you're saying "What does the president have to do with your wheels?"

Which is why I am here to educate you about my latest foray into the hip-hop universe: All About Dubs.

Please, my homies, read on...

First, we will outline definitions to ensure an accurate lingua franca for the discussion. I am referencing www.urbandictionary.com - a tremendous resource for those of us who are older than 30 and white (read: LAME).

Dubs are hubcaps that are 20 inches in diameter. The term "dub" is short for double - 20s being "double 10s" or "double dimes" (Dime = 10). The rims on the aforementioned MINI, aka, the Menacing MINI of Scottsdale, are 18-inch rims (please, do not make the egregious error of confusing rims with wheels). As 18s, the MINI rims are not true "dubs" - they are accurately referred to either as "sub-dubs" or "dubs minus deuces" (20s - 2s = 18s).

(Scratching heads) Clearly, some of you may not see the aesthetic beauty in aforementioned wheel decor, so please allow me to give you the 411 on Dub-Appreciation:

On the Menace, consider how said wheels (tires + rims) fill up the entire wheel well. Note how the black finish of the rims compliments the dark silver body color and black roof / side mirror details (and salivate as you imagine how our old-school black and red pinstriping will totally pimp out this unique whip!) But I digress. Compared to other MINIs and their feet (ground contact points / wheels), you can see how the larger proportioned wheels create a more masculine profile and racier appearance, i.e., if I park my MINI next to yours, mine will be the bully in the parking lot. (See, sweet Gayle and the Lemondrop at Changing Hands Bookstore)

Your homework assignment: Go forth into the universe and consider other wheels and rims thereupon that you encounter down the road. Some appear that they are spinning in the opposite direction of the car or still moving when the car is stationary (Spinners). Perhaps you will see 18-inch or bigger, shiny chrome rims that have three propeller-like spokes (Blades). Now that your eyes are open to the plethora of vehicular accessories, you will be amazed by the variety and loveliness (as well as the ungodly ugliness) that can be found cruising our nation's roadways, i.e., Check out how these homies roll.

Now, for those of you who have two X chromosomes and still don't get what all the fuss is about (and I used to be among you - until my eyes were opened to the indubitably beauteous coolness of dubs), an elegant analogy will suffice: (Pretend you're taking the SAT here, kids)

DUBS ARE TO CARS WHAT SHOES ARE TO FEET.

They are the Cole Haans, the Doc Martens, the Nikes, the Steve Maddens of automotive accoutrements. Truly, the Menacing MINI sub-dubs are the Manolos of the hubcap universe.

This concludes our lesson on dubs. Out.

Posted by stacy at 07:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)