stacy b-log

As far as I can tell, there are two kinds of people in this world: Those that wear helmets (smart) and those that don’t (organ donors).

Within those two groups are at least five sub-groups, in order of importance:

1) Serious sport riders like Pat and his racing buddies (smart, fast & skilled), or in the words of Alan Chook “Me All Night Long” – “The guys in this garage and on this track are the only ones that count.” Sorry, I don’t have a cool name for them.

2) Squids, pronounced “skwidz” – or the jokers on sport bikes that give serious riders a bad name, also known as, the organ donors you see doing stand-up wheelies on the freeway in T-shirts and flip-flops. In the words of Chook: “They (squids) are the guys that lean on the fence and say, ‘Hey, we’re faster than those guys,’” as Pat and his buddies scream by at 170 miles per hour.

3) Bikers like the Hell’s Angels, the Outlaws and the Bandidos, who have long, shaggy beards (both male and female), are routinely arrested for various weapons and drug infractions (both male and female) and honor their dead by urinating on said comrade’s grave (again, both male and female). These bikers may or may not wear helmets, and I’m certainly not one to debate with them about the merits of their choices.

4) RUBs – Rich Urban Bikers (pronounced “rubs”) – or the vast majority guys and gals you see riding around on expensive cruiser bikes who might grow three days worth of stubble in order to look menacing like “real bikers” but whose idea of living the biker lifestyle is trailering their bikes to Daytona, staying in a timeshare and getting really bad sunburns while riding around, posing, drinking beer, buying ride accessories, eating, drinking more beer and riding around some more. Anyone who lives the “biker lifestyle” is probably a RUB since you can’t afford a “lifestyle” if you’re spending part of your life incarcerated. Most RUBs are proponents of the helmet-free life, to which I say, “Just don’t drink so much beer that your liver is damaged when I need it, OK?”

5) The Rest of Us: Folks that don’t ride and are puzzled, intrigued or infatuated with those that do. (This entry is for you.)

All you need to know to differentiate among the above: Tonight, the RUBs and squids will be doing a single “parade lap” around Daytona International Speedway at a top speed of about 35 miles per hour. If they drag their knees, it’s because their bikes are too heavy, they aren’t going fast enough and they tumped** over. Today, Pat and his buddies did quite a few laps around Daytona International Speedway – at 180 miles per hour – and they dragged their knees because the laws of physics came into play. The Rest of Us will either be standing around saying, “What a bunch of dumbasses!” or “Holy #$&%!” or you’ll be at home reading this blog.

* Sonny Barger is one of the founders of the Hell's Angels - though now that he is a published author and has described his lifestyle as a "brand," you can probably safely call him a RUB (just not to his face - or to the face of any other "real" biker).

**Tump – Part of Speech: verb. Definition: To fall over spontaneously, as if without any external pressure being applied. Language of Origin: Southern vernacular, Northwest Louisiana. Contextual usage: You better put that beer in the cupholder, Ray Pat, or it’s gonna tump over when we take this turn.