stacy b-log

Loosen up those bead-grabbing muscles and start training your tastebuds for pain: The Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party is upon us! King Ryan and Queen Cynde Cerf Dehmer invite you to join us for the VIth Annual Mardi Gras in Arizona Extravaganza! - ONLY THE BEST FREE PARTY YOU CAN ATTEND THIS STOOPID BOWL WEEKEND (and we don't lie, it's the best party... ever)

Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party VI
Saturday, February 2, 2008 (Yes, we know it's the day before the Super Bowl and the Saturday of the FBR Open - it's not our fault those idiots can't consult a calendar and figure out when Mardi Gras is)
3 PM - 11 PM (or until Stacy gets tired and cranky and kicks everyone out!)
AND WHEN WE SAY 3 PM, WE AREN'T KIDDING. THE PARADE WILL START AT 3, SO TO SECURE YOUR PLACE IN LINE, ARRIVE EARLIER, like say, around 2:30 PM (But please, don't stay later)
Krewe of Helios-AZ World Headquarters
24952 N. 74th Place, Scottsdale AZ 85255
View Larger Map">(Handy Google Map)

For those of you who've been there before but whose memories have been wiped out by our fearsome Hurricanes... or for those of you who've never been there before, but want to act like you have: Please read the jump for handy traffic tips / alternate routes, parking advice, parade etiquette, dress codes, and arcane pieces of Mardi Gras trivia that might just save your life!

WE LIVE IN THE 5TH LARGEST METRO AREA IN THE COUNTRY: TRAFFIC SUCKS
Traffic conditions will be an ever-evolving story that afternoon due to the FBR Open-Container Fest, so please consider these alternate routes and driving suggestions:

- Avoid Hayden Road and Pima Road at all costs.
- Use Scottsdale Road with extreme patience and caution.
- Approach from the west or north, even if you have to drive way out of your way, unless you like to be stuck in traffic with a bunch of obnoxious golf fans who smoke cigars, go sockless in loafers and look like John Daly (but aren't as charming).

Our suggested route: Take SR 51 to Loop 101. Exit Tatum Road, go north to Pinnacle Peak Road. Go right (east) 2.5 miles on Pinnacle Peak to Scottsdale Road. Go left (north) 1 mile on Scottsdale Road to Happy Valley Road. Go right on Happy Valley to North 74th Place (the second right). Our house is the first on the right.
View Larger Map">Here's a handy Google Map for you!

THE NEIGHBORS ARE ONTO US AND SHUT DOWN OUR FREE LOT: PARKING SUCKS
Yeah, we knew it was bound to happen the year we broke 100 attendees. The neighborhood next door that was under construction during our two previous parades and served as a pretty handy parking lot erected a fence at the end of the cul de sac and a gate in their community. I don't know if they're trying to tell us something (They have referred to our street as 'The Ghetto') but this means you have to park elsewhere. Our suggestions: 1) Carpool. 2) Do not block our neighbors' driveways. 3) Get some exercise: There's a dirt patch on the southeast corner of Happy Valley and Miller - about a block east of our street. If you drive east through the intersection of Happy Valley and Miller, you can park up on the dirt.
View Larger Map">Here's yet another handy Google Map (with satellite imagery - cool) so you don't get lost.

WE KNOW YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO NEW ORLEANS, BUT YOU CAN ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE IF YOU HEED PROPER PARADE ETIQUETTE! Step off for our parade is PROMPTLY AT 3 PM. We are not waiting around for your lame self to navigate FBR Open-Container Traffic because you didn't heed our handy traffic advice. THAT'S WHY WE ARE STARTING SO EARLY - TO AVOID CONGESTION. So here's what will happen: You will follow the handy traffic advice. You'll drop off your friends because you carpooled. You'll park somewhere and find your way back. You'll grab a non-adult beverage because you're the designated driver (and your passengers will already be nursing hurricanes). You'll await instructions from Stacy B delivered via BULLHORN. You'll stand on the side of the road, wondering why someone would give Stacy B a bullhorn. The parade will start. You will move into the street and holler, "THROW ME SOMETHING, MISTER!" all the while, being careful not to remove your clothing. You will catch SO MANY BEADS THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT OFF THE MANY CO-EDS YOU'LL MEET LATER ON AT OTHER STUPID BOWL PARTIES THAT YOU HAD TO PAY TO ENTER. Or you'll laugh as your kids tump over because they have so many said beads stacked around their necks that their growth is being stunted. The parade will make VI historic laps around the cul de sac - maybe less because we don't have said permits to conduct said parade. We'll finish up the parade and everyone will line up to EAT AMAZING, HOMECOOKED CAJUN FOOD.

It bears repeating, though we've said it for the past VI years and some people have yet to figure it out: If you arrive for the parade, YOU WILL BE FED. You'll eat GUMBO and RED BEANS AND RICE and MUFFALETTAS! If you arrive late, like say, at IV PM, you won't be fed and you'll be sad, like Hatriots coach Bill Belicheater when he was caught FLAGRANTLY VIOLATING NFL RULES. ($&%*$&%!!!)

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR MANBOOBS, SO ADHERE TO THE DRESS CODE AND KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON! Yeah, we live in North Scottsdale, not Gila Bend, so please... PLEASE! KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON.
We know that the pageantry and pomp and circumstances are so overwhelming that you might want to throw caution and undergarments to the wind, but we don't want to see your manboobs. It'd be different if we were inviting... oh, members of the Spice Girls or the Thunder Down Under... but we're not. We know what you look like, you're our friends... and friends don't let friends disrobe. Otherwise, jeans and T-shirts will suffice. If you decorate a float, you'll get a T-shirt. Otherwise, you're throwing elbows to catch one... if you're lucky. And no, if you've been surgically enhanced, it will not enhance your chances to catch a T-shirt.

ARCANE PIECES OF MARDI GRAS TRIVIA THAT MIGHT JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE:
1) There's a plastic choking hazard, aka BABY, in the King Cake! No, we're not cannibals. It's a Mardi Gras tradition. You too can be the King or Queen of Mardi Gras 2009 if you find the plastic baby in one of the King Cakes and live to tell the tale. Just find Pat or Stacy or King Ryan or Queen Cynde when you find the baby and you'll be crowned for next year. Hooray! Just don't choke on it, OK?

2) Gumbo is not Cajun for PAIN... unless your name is Patrick Bertinelli: We like our food a little spicy, but even if you don't, YOU WILL LOVE IT. We will measure up our gumbo next to all and any comers. But if you're a vegan, we'll have a small pot of VEGETARIAN red beans and rice on the stove, and we promise not to laugh at you (well, not loudly). Grab two bowls while you're in the food line - use one for gumbo and one for red beans. Pour each over rice. ALL GOOD.

3) LOOK OUT FOR THE ADULT PINATA! Yeah, it's gonna be fun. It will hang from the tree in the backyard - and we'll have a kiddie pinata and an adult one. They will be clearly marked. You must be XXI to participate in the Adult PInata - and we don't recommend you stand too close while they're trying to whack it because you might get hurt.

4) IF YOU'D LIKE TO BRING SOMETHING, CONSIDER LAWN CHAIRS AND NON-HURRICANE ADULT BEVERAGES - We provide hurricanes and hurricane's only, made with the Pat O'Brien's Top Secret Recipe from New Orleans. If you like BEER or WINE or OTHER, bring it. We will have nonalcoholic beverages for our designated driver friends.

Questions?
Call Krewe of Helios-Arizona Founders and Co-Captains
Stacy B (602-751-4506 ) or Pat (480-297-9091)
See you on Saturday, February 2!
Laissez les bon temps roulez!

Posted by stacy at 09:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So if you've been sitting by your mailbox for the past three weeks waiting patiently for the annual Pat and Stacy Hanukkah / Solstice / Christmas / Boxing Day / Kwanzaa / Eid ul Adha / Politically Correct Non-Religious Observance / New Years card, please go back inside, warm yourself by the fire and crack open an ice-cold beer.

It ain't coming in the postbox - it's coming in your in-box - in part because the ink cartridge on our printer is dry and we're too lazy to run to the store to pick up another and print out 40-something cards, sign and address them... oh, and we also realized that if you'd like to receive this missive before Martin Luther King Day ... or Mardi Gras ... or Presidents Day, we might as well get on it, so with out further ado...

Read the jump for THE 7 MOST INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT 2007 (in no particular order) by Pat and Stacy - or rather, Stacy and Pat (It's my blog; I can take top billing)

7. Have you called Jenny yet? We did - or rather, Valerie did on our behalf - and Pat lost 25 pounds (now 20) and I lost 12 pounds (now 9). DAMN YOU, NEW YEARS IN LAS VEGAS! Seriously, Jenny Craig rocks out, and though you've seen her on TV and you think she looks good, Valerie looks even more amazing in real life. Pat and I just look less bloated than we used to, but we're working on it. Sadly, we have come to the conclusion that once you eclipse 30 years of age, you cannot regularly polish off John Dalys, watermelon mojitos, gin-and-ginger-ales and sundry bottles of wine, while maintaining your svelte self. DAMN YOU, MIDDLE-AGE METABOLISM!

7. We refused to become a sad casualty of the real estate crisis! In other words, we're not building our house in North Scottsdale because we can't smoke enough crack to justify spending $1 million on a house that is not worth $1 million (unless you're a builder with a crack habit to support). You can read more about this in my earlier blog entry "So You Wanna Build a Custom Home" . Suffice it to say, if you want to crash in Scottsdale, you're sleeping in the guest room (not the casita) or on the couch (not on the 700-square-foot roof deck). Besides...

7. Our nephew rocks out! That would be Wolfgang, currently on tour as the bass player in his dad's band. You should check him out if he comes to a city near you, but be prepared to shell out the big bucks because EVEN THE UNCLE AND AUNT-BY-MARRIAGE OF THE BASS PLAYER HAVE TO PAY FOR THEIR TICKETS. So far, we've seen him together in LA, Detroit, Phoenix, San Jose and Las Vegas (2 times). Touring with the band, Pat has seen him in Chicago (2 times), Boston, Washington DC and New York. We plan to go to New Orleans (Feb 8), Dallas (March 3) and New York (March 17). Suffice it to say, Wolf is a terrific kid who plays like his hair's on fire and every time we see him, it makes us rethink our decision not to have kids. You can read about our antics on the road in my blog entry... Scott Simon is my bitch. The good thing about not building the house is that we can now afford to follow our nephew on tour!

7. Stacy and Pat bring new meaning to the term AGONY OF DEFEAT. Yes, we still participate in annual undertakings of an athletic nature - see Mud Run and 7 Summits, and I think our dear friend Rockin' Bob best summed up the results with this comment: "Do you see a very cool pattern here? First, pick a crazy thing to do designed for Marines, Sherpas, Grand Canyon guides, Flying Wallendas, or Fire-Walkers. Make sure it is something your two-faced friends such as yours truly would not think of doing for a nano-second, but would say, "hey, cool," (meaning, "are you nuts?"). Also make sure it is something designed to destroy your previously most-traumatized body parts -- knees, toes, fingernails, etc. Repeat several times, "Oh, yeah, I can do that -- piece of cake -- I'll train and I'll be in shape by then." Avoid any training whatsoever. Prepare the day before the event by wearing yourselves out, ingesting hangover-producing substances, and getting no sleep. Arrive without some crucial piece of gear or information. Allow yourselves to be egged on by the crazy little guy in your head, or else your (apparently sadistic) significant other (who will probably spend the day chillin' at A--hole's Garage with a Bud and some gumbo). Never entertain the thoughts "Discretion is the better part of valor," "Live to fight another day," or simply "F this. I'm sleeping in, having an omelette, and watching that AC/DC DVD." Begin Bataan Death March. Live to tell the tale -- hilariously." ... Yep, that about sums it up.

7. The Krewe of Helios-Arizona celebrated its 5th Anniversary - and Stacy received a bullhorn, likely the most painfully redundant gift ever bequeathed upon a person with no inside voice. Hundreds will curse the name of Cynde Cerf this year when she reigns over - OR IS IT RAINS DOWN - upon the gathered hoard at KOH-AZ Mardi Gras VI. (February 2 - read our invitation)

7. Pat finished 3rd in his first and only race of the 2007 Championship Cup Series motorcycle racing season - which also happened to be the final race of the year. Sure, it's a step down from the fabled banks of Daytona, but losing that 25 pounds also helped him drop a few precious seconds on his lap time. Look out, 2008!

7. Milestones... Stacy's career as a public radio salesperson (7 years) has now eclipsed the time she spent as a sportswriter (and she's not looking back) ... Pat celebrated his 15th year at Gannett (who'da thunk it?) ... Dr. Alexander is awesome ... Coolidge and Winslow no longer chew the baseboards ... Stacy was 3-for-4 as a matchmaker in 07 ... We spent some quality time with great friends (old and new) - Toni & Chris P in Portland / Bobby-Matt and Angie on Tour / Uncle Tater at the Midget Bar / Seester at CANAL (with Bill and Joe and Patrick) / Jeffro and Gina in Detroit / David-Squared at Google and the Hotel De Anza and the soundbooth / Rockin' Bob genuflecting at Dick Dale and rockin' out with VH at Friends + Family and Phoenix / Kellee and Kristi on various trails and Ray, Suzie, Gianni, Tyler, Danny, Donny and the whole hee-haw gang (except Stone) at the track.

Thank you all for being great friends and being a part of our extended family. Here's to an amazing 2008!

Posted by stacy at 06:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)