stacy b-log

First of all, Dr. Younger may be younger than me - I think I have 3 years on him - but he's a helluva chemistry prof. He explains really foreign concepts in small words and big type so everyone can understand. He answers questions by helping you figure it out for yourself, and HEY MORONS UNDER THE AGE OF 21: HE SPELLS OUT IN THE SYLLABUS AND REPEATS OFTEN IN CLASS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO PASS HIS CLASS. Back in the day, we called it SPOON-FEEDING. Today, I still call it SPOON-FEEDING, but apparently it's now par for the course. But let's review, shall we?

1) Study chemistry 8-12 hours per week - this can include reading your assigned chapters, doing your online homework, working the problems in your text book and study guide (and then checking them against the answers in the study-guide answer-book that you paid an additional $48 for - what a racket).

2) Take advantage of the wonderful resources they have laid out for your lame ass to justify your parents' deferring their retirement while they send your ungrateful, entitled, overly coddled self to college: For example, go to SUPPLEMENTAL INSTRUCTION CLASSES WHICH ARE LIKE TiVO'd LECTURES so you can pick up what you missed when you SKIPPED CLASS and wasted your parents' 45th anniversary cruise fund. Or maybe you could print out the lecture notes that Dr. Younger posts online. Or, you could even DOWNLOAD AND TAKE THE PRACTICE EXAM (basically the same questions - I know, I took it twice). Or perhaps you could go to the EXAM REVIEW SESSION led by this darling young man whom I'd set up with any of my single girlfriends (are you getting this, Kellee?). Exam Review Dude even told us which profs were sticklers about rounding numbers - not Dr. Younger - and he gave us all kinds of good short cuts for memorizing diatomic molecules: Have No Fear Of Ice CoLd BeeR.

3) Pay attention in class, morons! Multiple times, I have looked over my shoulder and shot disapproving looks to the intellectual midgets who were laughing at YouTube videos on their iPhones during the lecture. I even told them, "You boys are gonna have to settle down now." TWICE I SAID THAT. My lab partner Sunburn (the one who actually bothers to SHOW UP FOR LAB - see my next point) even told me he'd get my back if it came to blows with the iPhone watching chuckleheads after I told them to settle down the second time. I can see myself interrupting class and telling them in my outside voice to get the hell out of our class and stop WASTING MY TIME AND HARD-EARNED MONEY because they haven't grown up enough to behave like the freakin' adults they aspire to be. SON, I HOPE ALL THE GAS STATIONS HAVEN'T GONE SELF-SERVE BY THE TIME YOU GET OUT OF HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING AT LIMITED EMPLOYMENT PROSPECTS OTHERWISE. (Kudos to Gina for that line - it's not original, but it's quite apropos).

3) Show up to class. Clearly, our Creator has a sick sense of humor because He deemed it necessary to afflict me with Baby Mama Lab Partner. Originally our lab team was a foursome, but one of the originals dropped, leaving me and Sunburn crippled with Baby Mama Lab Partner. I believe she's a junior. I know she has a baby - but I like to think of him more as an 18-pound wailing excuse for NOT SHOWING UP TO CLASS AND STICKING ME AND SUNBURN WITH THE GROUP QUIZZES AND LAB REPORTS.

Since there are 200 of us in Dr. Younger's class, there's really no way to monitor attendance except for his weekly GROUP QUIZZES. The problem is, we are assigned to complete our GROUP quizzes with our lab partners: You turn in one paper with all four - now three, and hopefully soon, TWO - names on it. Well, that was all fine and good until Baby Mama Lab Partner missed two quizzes in a row, and Sunburn and I grudgingly wrote her name on our sheet even though she did nothing to help us. The second time, Sunburn wasn't much help either because HE WASN'T THERE. So we had a little "Come to Jesus" in lab the following Tuesday night, wherein I said, "Sunburn, you've gotten your mulligan on the group quiz last Wednesday when you missed class. I wrote your name on it - but it was your mulligan."

"Well I'll cover for you and give you credit when you miss class," he said. "Definitely."

"But I won't miss class, Sunburn," I said. "I had to cancel a trip to New York City to ensure I would be at every single one of my classes, and the only way I will miss class is if I have a limb missing and am under a doctor's care, in which case, my absence will be excused and it won't matter if my name is not on the quiz. But next time you miss - AND I HAVE TO DO THE ENTIRE QUIZ BY MYSELF WITHOUT ANY HELP - you will not get any credit. Understand?"

And Sunburn was cool with it - and proceeded to do the heavily lifting during Chem Lab... about 15 minutes into which Baby Mama Lab Partner came strolling in. "Sorry I'm late."

"Me too," I said. "I'm also sorry you missed the quiz on Wednesday."

Her eyes grew wide with fear.

"Don't worry, I put your name on it - since I was the ONLY ONE FROM OUR GROUP IN ATTENDANCE AND HAD TO TAKE THE QUIZ ALL BY MYSELF - but that's your last mulligan, Baby Mama. We've covered for you twice and you're done. I will not list your name on a quiz if you are not there to help with the workload. You need to sort out your child care situation and get to class ON TIME."

She actually did do some work in lab that night to score her "percentage participation points" - but come Wednesday, she missed class AGAIN, and, lo and behold, she missed ANOTHER GROUP QUIZ. Sadly, she didn't get credit for it. (I'm true to my word). Though I did have to list her name on our lab report even though her only significant contribution was washing the test tubes. Even Sunburn did all the calculations and agreed to carry our report (which I wrote) to the T.A.'s office so it would be turned in on time and we'd get full credit for it.

By the way, taking our first lab report (that I wrote - and that we scored 100 on) to the T.A.'s office was Baby Mama Lab Partner's responsibility last week. Our lab is on Tuesday from 6-8 PM. The group report is due on Thursday by 4:30 PM in the T.A.'s office. I wrote the lab report and Baby Mama Lab Partner deemed it necessary to, like, contribute? by asking me to add some insignificant bullshit - which I did, after letting her know that I would not be able to turn in the revised report because I'm not on campus on Thursdays. She agreed to turn it in, and so I emailed her the re-written report. She then called me at 2:30 on Thursday and said, "I can't take the report to our T.A.'s office today because I have my baby with me."

To which I replied, "Well I suggest you put your baby in the stroller and walk that report over to the T.A.'s office because we will get a 0 (ZERO) if it's not turned in within the next two hours. You agreed to do this and it's your responsibility, and by the way, I WILL NOT BE ON CAMPUS TODAY TO TURN IT IN. YOU HAVE TWO HOURS TO FIGURE THIS PROBLEM OUT, SO I SUGGEST YOU GET BUSY."

Apparently she missed class last week because her "honey" had a flat tire and couldn't drive her to school so they both just decided to stay home with the baby - here's a clue: HAVE YOUR "HONEY" LEARN TO CHANGE A TIRE AND MAKE HIMSELF USEFUL RATHER THAN JUST DEMONSTRATING HIS UNIQUE TALENT FOR REPRODUCING. (See above comment about self-service gas stations). Are you kidding me? A flat tire? Please, just quit wasting my time and drop this class so Sunburn and I don't have to keep carrying your ass.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, God has a sense of humor... and there's a reason why chemistry has been considered a weed-out class since the dawn of humanity. Because if 60% of our class is in pre-med, and the class average score was 68%, that's a lot of dumb aspiring doctors - be grateful they won't make it to med school to take care of you. And no, I'm not saying I'll make it to med school either - I have many opportunities for failure laid out before me, but at least I have figured out how to study for a test that frankly, WASN'T THAT HARD IF YOU READ THE BOOK, DID THE PROBLEMS, ASKED FOR HELP, AND OH, MAYBE, CAME TO CLASS ONCE IN A WHILE!!!

This concludes my rant for this week. Names have been changed to protect the innocent from shame, mocking and humiliation... oh, guess it's a little late for that. Well at least I have a 96!