stacy b-log

The rose petals and confetti sprinkles have been swept into the dustbin, the flat champagne rinsed from lipstick-rimmed glasses. The icing embellishments have been picked and licked from the carved up remnants of a stale cake: Turn out the lights, the party's over - my pretty little A from Chemistry 113 has been tucked into bed and her ugly big brother, Chemistry 116, is at the door, brass knuckles in clenched fist, a cheap cigar streaming ashes down his hairy chest.

Dr. Steve Carell-Look-Alike/Talk-Alike (SCLATA) knew how to impress us when he blew stuff up in class the very first day - but with the sparkly flashes still delighting our eyes, he laid on the pain: Chemistry 116 isn't like 113 that much at all. It's harder. It involves Calculus and it's more attuned to engineering majors that the sweet life sciences... but that's too bad because you have to take it anyway. The second test in this class - on Chapters 16 and 17 - will be the hardest you take all year, and you'd better have a good understanding of Chapter 15 before we get there. Have fun, SUCKERS!

Here's all you need to know about my experiences with Calculus: When I took it as a senior in high school - AP Calculus - all of the girls in my class wore low-cut shirts and rode our big curves to the apex of the grading curve. I kid you not. And so, when I still thought I might (MIGHT!) be interested in taking some hard sciences in an attempt to go to med school, I enrolled in Calculus my first semester as an English major at Texas A&M - lo, those 20 (TWENTY!) years ago! And that first semester, I made all A's and one C. ... C is for Calculus. ... I made two C's during my entire tenure at A&M. (Linguistics was a bitch - Damn you, Beowulf!) And with those two C's I graduated with Magna Comes Loudly affixed to my Bachelor of Arts, instead of her hotter sister, Summa.

Suffice it to say, I now blame Calculus for my having to go back to college at the ripe old age of 37 in my third-life crisis of desire for med school. And here I am, facing my old nemesis again: Damn you, Calculus! I don't even know what a natural log IS - but I know it when I see it in the yard after Coolidge eats a hearty breakfast. I don't even know what a natural log DOES - except that it smells bad, both in my yard and in my chemistry notebook. Damn you, Calculus!

Posted by stacy at 07:30 AM | Permalink

If today is the Epiphany, then Carnival Season is upon us... and that can only mean one thing:

1) You have no idea what I'm talking about (so you can go ahead and skip this entry)
2) You're not Catholic (and neither are we)
3) You've had a hankering for a hurricane for the last three days, which means...

THE 7th ANNUAL KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA MARDI GRAS PARADE AND PARTY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!

Yes, it's already been a year, so your livers and taste buds should be back in working order in time for the onslaught of olfactory pain known as Pat and Stacy's Krewe of Helios-Arizona Gumbo, our authentic Louisiana red beans and rice, real Pat O'Brien's Hurricanes (limit 2), true Sicilian muffalettas, and new this year, the redneck rampage known as Gene's Garlic Cheese Grits (with jalapenos and bacon)... and who can forget the legendary Mardi Gras king cake shipped direct from New Orleans to hop your kids up on so much sugar you could have just as easily given them Red Bull with espresso chasers.

Come one, come all, come get as close as you can to the Big Easy without having to disrobe on public streets while little old ladies elbow you to grab trinkets worth less than a penny a piece. We'll have advice on how to celebrate Mardi Gras in a later posting - for now, we just want to get on your dance card:

WHAT: KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA MARDI GRAS PARADE AND PARTY
WHEN: SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2009 from 4 PM* to 11 PM
WHERE: PAT AND STACY WORLD HEADQUARTERS ~ 24952 N. 74th PLACE, SCOTTSDALE, 85255
WHY: Because you need to celebrate Mardi Gras with the professionals.

*The parade will step off at 4; if you miss it, you likely won't get fed and won't catch any beads.

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Stacy and Patrick Bertinelli
Krewe of Helios-Arizona
Captains and Co-Founders

Posted by stacy at 05:07 PM | Permalink

Happy New Year!

As we stumble into 2009, allow us to be the first to say, "WE'RE SO GLAD 2008 IS OVER!"

Here are eight things that happened to us in 2008 – just in case you weren’t keeping score at home with us here on the stacyb-log. Then again, if you weren’t keeping score at home with us, then you probably wouldn’t be a frequent visitor to this blog… and you wouldn’t be reading this anyway.

So without further ado – and for the entertainment of my three regular readers – here's our new tradition: The Holiday Card that Didn't Quite Arrive on Time, or EIGHT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO US IN 2008…

In January, Stacy worked with state Senator Jim Waring (R-Phoenix) to introduce legislation that would make it easier for Arizona-based companies to submit bids for state contracts. Sparked by her work with Local First Arizona, Senate Bill 1233 passed the Senate but was not allowed a hearing in the House. She’s going back again this year for more punishment.

In February, Patrick co-starred in a national Jenny Craig commercial with his sister Valerie – proving that real men can play ping-pong without looking like total dorks… or at least he can play ping-pong and still look like his svelte, 35-pounds lighter self. Have you called Jenny yet? (Sorry, we don't have a link to the actual commercial - our bad).

Also in February, Stacy followed in her father’s footsteps and got a tattoo… her first. Yes, it hurt.

In June, Stacy played in the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas, finishing around 1,900th place out of 2,700 entries in a bracelet event. (Yes, it’s the same World Series of Poker that you see on TV, but no, it wasn’t the $10,000 Main Event – it was a $1,500 event, and Stacy used her winnings from her regular home games to pay her entry fee). You can read her full account of the entire adventure, here, here and finally, here...

In August, Stacy enrolled at Arizona State University as a 36-year-old pre-med student. She made an A in Chemistry 113. She now has seven more semesters of science classes to ace so she can apply to medical school by the time she’s 40.

In October, Patrick’s mom Nancy had a heart attack and aortic valve replacement, while on a CARIBBEAN CRUISE. After two med-evacs and three surgeries later, she's recovering from a nasty infection in a care facility, where they give her occasional time off for good behavior by letting her go home with an electronic ankle bracelet (kidding). She's been at the care facility for just over two weeks, taking intravenous antibiotics to ensure the wound-site infection does not return. it's a speed bump on the road to recovery, but like all speed bumps, it does a number on your suspension, and she's trying to keep her spirits up. We're hopeful she gets parole here in the next few days.

In November, one week after Nancy got out of the hospital (but before she went back in for her second and third surgeries), Patrick broke his collarbone in three places while racing his motorcycle. He started a new fashion trend by wearing his hospital gown out in public. He is well-medicated and reconsidering his racing career – at least, for the next six months during which his orthopod has prohibited him from riding.

In December, Patrick claimed 8th place overall for the expert class in the Championship Cup Series Southwest Region – in spite of having crashed said No. 93 Krewe of Helios-Arizona Suzuki GSX-R 1000 during the penultimate race in November. (He was fifth place overall heading into that race and in the Top 3 in his three divisions – sigh - stupid collarbones).

Suffice it to say, we are quite simply thrilled that we survived these past 365 days with our sanity in tact, as well as our jobs, our dogs, our health (more-or-less), our friends and family. In uncertain times, that’s all we can ask for – and for that, we are grateful. Here’s to a better 2009 – Cheers.

Posted by stacy at 05:05 PM | Permalink