TURN IN THE TEST, MORON: What Happens When My Classmates Piss Me Off
In this era of lowered expectations, our student handbook states that if you have more than three exams on one day, you can petition to have one moved. Well, 12 of my classmates asked to have their test moved from Thursday (the first day of exams) to another day of Dr. Steve Carell Look Alike's choosing: The following Monday.
Because of the Monday 12, those of us taking the test on Thursday were not allowed to take our tests home after the exam (and check our answers against the grading key posted on the class website - which I do for every exam so I can get my grade before they're posted (and/or curved) because I'm a nerd, what can I say?) No, instead, we had to follow a strict procedure to ensure that our exam would not be leaked to the Monday 12: Turn in the test booklet to designated Teaching Assistant. Turn in our test answer sheet to Dr. Carell. Confirm with him and said TA that said TA had said test booklet and be on our merry way (or in the case of the four of us old enough [and cool enough to be invited]) to have a beer with Dr. Carell and the TAs.
Well, you can guess where this is going: Dr. Carell was late to our designated drinking establishment because one test booklet was unaccounted for, which could only mean one thing... So Dr. Carell sent out a class-wide email imploring the alleged skofflaw to turn in the test, lest he fail us all... and with a wink and a nod, I replied to all ...
Dear Anonymous Classmate,
So that you can save face in front of the knuckledragging flatheads to whom you intend to sell our final exam (resulting in Fs for us all), I am providing you with what we in the real world call "PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY." Sell the following test to your soft-bellied, bottom-feeding co-conspirators, and return the real test promptly:
ALTERNATE CHM 116 FINAL EXAM
1) When I throw a battery at your head after I find out who you are, which will hurt worse on impact?
a) The cathode
b) The anode
c) The salt bridge upside the bridge of your nose
d) Doesn't matter because it's a lead battery.
2) Calculate the Ecell generated when I connect an anode to your left nipple and a cathode to your right nipple? Answer in three significant figures.
3) Which of the following reaction rates is fastest?
a) Your ability to outrun all 190 of us when we find out who you are.
b) The rate at which your concrete-clad ankles will sink in Tempe Town Lake when we find out who you are.
c) The beta decay that occurs when we impale you on a uranium rod and drop you into the Palo Verde Nuclear Reactor after we find out who you are.
d) The alacrity with which you crawl under your bed, assume the fetal position and beg for your Mamma when we find out who you are.
4) Your body will experience 5.6 disintegrations per minute when we find out who you are. A body dumped by mobsters in the Jersey Pine Barrens undergoes 8.2 disintegrations per minute. How long will you live when we find out who you are?
5) An angry mob that just received failing grades in their CHM 116 class surrounds the sleazy undeveloped social outcast that stole their test, resulting in a wasted semester and countless wasted tuition and taxpayer dollars. Determine the equilibrium constant for the following reaction:
Angry Mob + Weapons + Unquenched Rage <-> Sleazy Undeveloped Social Outcast
(Hint: REACTANTS ARE FAVORED. Kc < 1)
ESSAY QUESTION (Minimum 500 words)
6) When you're 57 and working as an assistant manager in Taco Bell, how will you feel knowing that your selfish, insecure, pathetic ineptitude - and, I might add, shitty perversion of capitalism - resulted in the failure of not only your sorry, worthless self, but also in the failure of 190 innocent people who were just trying to better themselves and improve their world?
EXTRA CREDIT
If you have some semblance of conscience residing in the detritus of your toenail clippings and you don't want to spend the rest of your life under the staggering burden of your guilt (or the scintillating paranoia of your deception), turn in the damn test, asshole, and all will be forgiven.
Sincerely,
Stacy Bertinelli, age 37
(I'm too old for this shit!)
Suffice it to say, this little ditty was an exercise in deja vous, all over again. When I was in college the first time - 20 years ago - I wrote for my college newspaper, The Battalion, where I learned the hard but painful truth: Satire is lost on the masses. Anything you say can and will be misinterpreted (and you'll hear about it in spades). You'd think that at the ripe old age of 37, it would be a lesson that didn't need to be repeated. WRONG. Satire is lost on the masses.
I received 25 responses, six of which quoted the aforementioned student handbook, article V, chapter 3 about grading appeals. One student referenced the faculty code of ethics stating how Dr. Carell cannot fail us based on "criteria not directly reflective of course performance." Several were concerned that because of my graphic threats of violence, the absconder (who probably just accidentally placed it in their innocent bookbag) would be afraid to return the test as I used harsh and frightening language. Suffice it to say, I'm waiting for the notice from Student Affairs in which I am put in triple-secret probation time-out for being "mean." Sigh. The good news is, the majority of kids thought it was funny. So I guess there's hope for us yet...
Wrapping up loose ends: Dr. Carell gave the Monday 12 a different exam, so tragedy was averted. Sadly, he apparently received a flurry of emails from knuckleheads who FORGOT that our FINAL EXAM was on THURSDAY and so they didn't bother to show up and were begging to take the test with the Monday 12. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? They "forgot" after he wrote it in 2-foot letters on the chalkboard, posted it on our class website, announced it six times in class, sent an email about extra help available for the final two days beforehand - and oh, by the way, the university publishes a final exam schedule at the beginning of each semester for EVERY CLASS!!!
Here's another bonus question for the ALTERNATIVE CHM 116 EXAM:
QUESTION: Is stupidity "criteria not directly reflective of course performance?"
ANSWER: FAIL. See you at Taco Bell, flatheads.