{"id":1948,"date":"2017-09-02T11:53:38","date_gmt":"2017-09-02T18:53:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/?p=1948"},"modified":"2018-08-11T08:08:49","modified_gmt":"2018-08-11T15:08:49","slug":"too-soon-hate-bowl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/02\/too-soon-hate-bowl\/","title":{"rendered":"Too Soon – Hate Bowl"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This is not happening. Not today. Not now. It’s September 2, forfuckssake, not January 2.<\/p>\n

The football gods are asking me to be in postseason form, when I just discovered that hockey season has finally ended.<\/p>\n

I’m talking about Alabama-Florida State. Tonight at 5 PM MST.<\/p>\n

It’s a HATE BOWL, and it’s opening day! I haven’t even updated my chart! Are you kidding me?<\/p>\n

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” my sweet husband Pat said. “You’re like Larry Fitzgerald. You don’t need to practice. You can go right out and hate like a pro. You got this.”<\/p>\n

I don’t think Larry Fitzgerald stumbles out of the gate with his pants this far down around his ankles. A week ago, I made reservations for our anniversary dinner tomorrow night … and I didn’t even bother to check and see that my alma mater, Texas A&M would be playing UCLA on FOX right while I’d be gazing lovingly into Pat’s eyes and throwing back my second glass of cabernet sauvignon.<\/p>\n

I changed the reservation, so I can lovingly throw the remote\u00a0at the TV when Sumlin calls\u00a0yet another unproductive\u00a0off-tackle run on first and 10. All I can say is thank the old gods and the new that\u00a0Game of Thrones<\/em> ended last week \u2014 that would have been a tough call for me.<\/p>\n

These are the times that try my hate, and for that, I invented the\u00a0Hierarchy of Hate: I don’t have to make decisions, I just have to react: Drink heavily, hold my nose and root for\u00a0Bama, because…<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. We root for the SEC against nonconference foes (helps in the power-rankings)<\/li>\n
  2. We hate all teams from Florida against any non-Floridian team, regardless of the opponent<\/li>\n
  3. Nick Satan may be the coach of Alabama, but the Florida State Criminoles\u00a0are the dingleberries on Lucifer’s buttcheeks: Remember that.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    How do I hate thee Florida State?\u00a0Let me count the ways…<\/p>\n

    Serial apologists for accused\u00a0rapist Jameis Winston (FSU settled with the victim for $950,000<\/a> \u2014 the price of innocence has gone up)… Just since 2010, 28 F-Ass-U football, baseball and softball players have been arrested<\/a>\u00a0according to Arrest Nation, the sports criminal database, though to be fair, Alabama has 29 on the tote board… But the good news is that ESPN reported that two-thirds of FSU players arrested never face criminal prosecution<\/a>!<\/p>\n

    Crab legs for everyone!<\/p>\n

    My hatred for Florida State goes back to the early 1990s and their taint-licking\u00a0succubus of a former head coach \/ parole officer Bobby Bowden (the Supreme Allied Commander Emeritus of Assholes) And let’s not forget, FSU brought us Lee Corso…<\/p>\n

    Fucking Lee Corso.<\/p>\n

    If these aren’t enough reasons to sway your hate, well, you’ll be a lost cause come ESPN’s Samsung Rivalry Week, aka Thanksgiving, and the Capital One Bowl Fortnight, aka Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years.<\/p>\n

    At least we don’t have Brett Musberger to kick around anymore.<\/p>\n

    Roll Tide.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    This is not happening. Not today. Not now. It’s September 2, forfuckssake, not January 2. The football gods are asking me to be in postseason form, when I just discovered that hockey season has finally ended. I’m talking about Alabama-Florida State. Tonight at 5 PM MST. It’s a HATE BOWL, and it’s opening day! I … Continue reading Too Soon – Hate Bowl<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1948","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rage"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1948","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1948"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1948\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1954,"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1948\/revisions\/1954"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1948"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1948"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patandstacy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1948"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}