You know by now that I have no big-toe nails. Removed they were, by the venerable Dr. Brett Roeder, Team Limoncello official podiatrist and husband of my good friend Yvette. As I said to him after he deposited said toenails into a urine specimen jar, “I like your wife better than you.”
\nWell, now you get to read the rest of the story… or How I came to learn that my toenails should be removed.
\nIf you are at all squeamish about your toenails or fingernails, then you should probably stop reading HERE. If you are considering writing a letter to your Congressman or Senator in support of John McCain’s anti-torture bill and you need amunition: MAKE SURE YOU ATE AN HOUR AGO AND PROCEED.<\/p>\n
\nLong separated from their growth plates, my poor toenails hunkered in their former bed like a teenager on a cold Monday morning. They loved my toes – their former address – though bubbling blood and malicious stubbing had uprooted them five days prior, and even still, they really didn’t want to leave.
\nPoor toenails. Poor, poor toenails.
\nShod in Birkenstocks and debating whether I should take three shots of tequila and ask my husband to wield his Dremel tool to relieve the puffing pressure, I went to my gynecologist for an unrelated check up. My feet in the stirrups, a modesty drape tented between my knees, I heard my good doctor take her seat and unsheath the metallic clatter of her medieval tool kit.
\n“Oh, that looks infected!”
\nNot words you want to hear when all you can see is the puff of her hair rising above the tent of “modesty drape” strung between your knees.
\nI shoved my heels into the stirrups and tried to sit upright with spoons clattering out of… well, anyway… you can read the results of that exam in another blog entry.
\n“What do you mean, infected!”
\n“Oh, no – not… Your toes – your toes. You should get them looked at. There might be some infection. Do they hurt?”
\n“Well only if you stomp on them… or I try to wear real shoes. I was thinking about drilling them with a Dremel tool to relieve the pressure.”
\n“Obviously, that’s not my area of expertise, but I think you should have your primary care physician look at them.”
\nEnter Dr. Roeder. My friend Yvette told me, “If you need a good podiatrist, I sleep with one.”
\nEither because Yvette is a great friend – or Dr. Roeder hadn’t yet read the text of Senator McCain’s anti-torture bill – the doctor would be able to see me that afternoon.
\nHe took one sidelong glance and said, “Those are coming off.”
\n”
\n“Well, yeah, I kinda figured they’d come off, but I thought maybe you could drill a hole in them and relieve the pressure.”
\n“No, they’re coming off today.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You know by now that I have no big-toe nails. Removed they were, by the venerable Dr. Brett Roeder, Team Limoncello official podiatrist and husband of my good friend Yvette. As I said to him after he deposited said toenails into a urine specimen jar, “I like your wife better than you.” Well, now you … Continue reading The Rest of the Toes Story… Or How I Learned They Needed to Go<\/span>