Last Sunday morning, Winslow interrupted our leisurely walk by following her nose into a black, satiny mass that was hiding under a bush.
“What the hell?” Pat said, straining to keep Coolidge from lifting his leg on the mystery object.
“Looks like someone’s panties,” I said, pulling Winslow aside to gingerly pick up the litter. “No, wait. It looks more like a wine bag – like you’d give as a gift.”
I pulled the black satin bag from the prickles and thorns. The interior was a jaunty black-and-white leopard print. Fastened with a satin drawstring with bejeweled ends, its tag read, Sugar Sak™: Protected with Bioshield 75®.
“Bioshield 75®? What would you put in there that needs Bioshield 75®?” Pat asked.
“Maybe it’s a bag to carry your panties? Like on the walk of shame?”
Then I wondered why the bottom of one’s purse wasn’t a suitable vessel? I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna wear them again before putting them in the laundry.
“Wait, there’s something inside,” he said. “Oh… it’s actual panties. There are panties inside.”
Indeed there were. Standard-issue, white, ladies’ undergarments, which raised a few more questions:
1) Were they clean? We didn’t examine them that closely, Troy. Once he realized what they were, Pat dropped them like a hot panty-tato back into the bag… and no, we did not sniff them to confirm.
2) Did you try them on? No, Trace, I did not.
3) Did Pat try them on? No, Trace, Pat did not.
4) Did you look for the body? Um, no, Trace, but it’s not at all disturbing that you would be the one to suggest that, given your obsession with our wearing said
evidence, I mean, panties… Your query brings us to the two most important questions posed by the Sugar Sak™:
5) What were the panties and their very elaborate container doing in our corner of the desert?
6) And finally, what the hell is Bioshield 75® and is this something we should submit to the health department?
That last one I can answer, with the help of my friend Google.
Bioshield 75® “creates a stong [ sic ] bond with a multitude of surfaces, porous and non-porous, forming a highly durable protective coating. Its molecules form a microscopic field of “spikes” that puncture microbes without the use of poisons. Since BioShield 75®’s methodology is mechanical instead of toxious [ sic ], it does not create “superbugs” which build up a resistance to treatment (much like antibiotics can).”
For those of you hesitant to leave this page for the vast wilderness of the Not-Suitable-For-Work internets, the Sugar Sak™ is not a panty-portage vehicle. Instead, it is “the most unique storage solution created to safely store all of your sexual health items and romantic pleasure gear.”
As if the discreet bedside table, the dust-bunny-riddled under-bed or a felt Crown Royal bag weren’t good enough? The Sugar Sak comes in three colors (hot pink, red and black) and also three sizes (medium, large and extra large… because let’s face it, no one wants a “small” 16-Function Super Rabbit. Plus “tall, grande and venti” were already taken).
Again, what’s wrong with the bedside table? Well, who knows what germs lurk among the dead watches, old grocery store receipts, cast-off pencils, broken phone-chargers, orphan earrings and well-meaning bookmarks you’ve long since forgotten? How do you feel about mold, fungi, yeast, bacteria, microbes and mildew? That’s what April at Sugar Sak™, protected by Bioshield 75®, has found in her previous, unprotected storage facilities.
Before she became the Sugar Sak™ founder and inventor, April was a one-named self-employed cosmetologist who was concerned about finding a safe place to store her romantic pleasure gear. Per manufacturer recommendations, April always deployed non-toxic cleansers on her sexual health items after every use, but she was distraught to learn that there was no safe place to store her freshly cleaned Hitachi HV-260 Magic Wand Personal Massager.
Just ask the parents of any children old enough to open an unlocked drawer: There is no safe place.
Necessity is the mother of invention… and if April were a mother, she probably would have invented the Sugar Home Safe and Digital Lockbox™, protected by Bioshield 75®, instead.
Had she invented the Sugar Home Safe and Digital Lockbox™, the “most unique storage solution created to safely store all of your sexual health items” likely would not have wound up unprotected in the Sonoran Desert under a shrubbery, only to be discovered by unsuspecting dog-walkers.
Which leads us back to our unanswered question: What were the Sugar Sak™ and its precious pantaloons doing under a shrub in the middle of the desert?
Was there some kind of nefarious shrubterfuge afoot? Was there, in fact, a body to discover among the cacti… or at least some unprotected romantic pleasure gear? (No where on April’s website does she mention deploying her product as a Walk of Shame panty shield with Bioshield®. Was this a clue?)
Or was someone just getting busy in the hatchback out on our dog-walking trail? And if someone was going to invest $9.11 in a new, black, large model with free shipping on Amazon (used, from $6.99), why would they so casually cast it aside among the discarded plastic bottles, fast-food containers and grocery store bags that we normally pick up each week on our walk?
No, for the most “unique solution in sexual-health-item storage,” the Sugar Sak™ has caused many a conundrum in our little corner of desert. A week later, it still remains on our kitchen counter (Hey, it’s got Bioshield 75; it’s not contaminating anything) because we aren’t quite sure what to do with it: Turn it in to the police to scan for DNA evidence (which hopefully hasn’t been shredded by the Bioshield 75®)? Sell it used on Amazon (from $6.99 & FREE shipping)? Put it back under the shrub and surreptitiously film the location to see if the owner returns?
No, I think I’m gonna just make a sign (with comic sans font, natch) and post it on the lonely lamppost nearby:
FOUND: WHITE PANTIES AND BLACK SUGAR SAK™.
CALL FOR MORE INFO. MANY QUESTIONS ASKED.