WARNING: The language contained in this blog entry is not suitable for polite conversation or children under 18 or adults over 18. In fact, if you have respect for the author and want to retain said esteem, it’s best that you stop reading this now and maybe consult her tale of TOE WOE or perhaps her ode to dubs. Just skip this entry if you don’t like profanity. The F-Bomb is dropped like a rain of terror no fewer than 12 times in the following entry. Don’t complain that you weren’t warned. Because what you’re about to see is ugly… real ugly.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!
Wait! Don’t come any closer – I promise, I’ll be all right – just gotta catch my breath and say FUCK six more times. Just give me some space. I won’t pass out. Well, I don’t think I’m gonna pass out. Just gotta catch my breath… FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCKETY! FUCK!
My coworker Becky slammed by thumb in the car door yesterday. It was an accident. She felt worse about it than I actually did – until about 10 minutes ago when the Advil wore off and it began to throb.
It’s my right thumb… And I’m right-handed. Fortunately, I’ve had six glasses of wine and 14 Advil since then to dull the pain. Ever since my thumb got hitched in the car door, I’ve begun to appreciate evolution tremendously. Fuck intelligent design: Opposable thumbs are where it’s at.
Therightthumbisthe”spacebar”hitteronthetypewriter – Mine’s turned purple; my thumb – not the space-bar. And so the simple movement of a keystroke has revealed the Zen-like beauty of the opposable thumb: You use your thumb to leverage wine bottles into the open and drinkable position, to pick up paperclips, to depress the tab on the front-door handles, to hold a pen and sign your name, to run your mechanical pencil through the Sudoku puzzle, to maneuver your toothbrush through your mouth, to grip stemware, to turn keys in ignitions and locks, to grasp the newspaper from its resting place in the driveway, to turn pages, to button shirts, tie shoes and grip zippers, to change the channel, and to do all sorts of unkind things to the thugs and prostitutes one encounters on the mean streets of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. (What can I say? I’m immersing myself in hip-hop culture).
The thumb is the best way to indicate a thumbs-up – rather than my current, preferred middle-finger salute.
Opposable thumbs distinguish the primates from other animals – thus we’re able to pick up the paintbrush and make pretty pictures, rather than using our noses like the elephants. Opposable thumbs are what enables the female population of the species to fasten their bras – and the male population of the species to unfasten said undergarments. It’s really not supposed to work the other way around. Just ask my sweet husband Pat, who helped me get dressed this morning.
And so, as I now as I wrap myself in new-found appreciation for my opposable digit, I offer a word of warning: Watch out for those car doors, kiddos, because my thumb really sucks.