Loosen up those bead-grabbing muscles and start training your tastebuds for pain: The Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party is upon us! King Ryan and Queen Cynde Cerf Dehmer invite you to join us for the VIth Annual Mardi Gras in Arizona Extravaganza! – ONLY THE BEST FREE PARTY YOU CAN ATTEND THIS STOOPID BOWL WEEKEND (and we don’t lie, it’s the best party… ever)
Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party VI
Saturday, February 2, 2008 (Yes, we know it’s the day before the Super Bowl and the Saturday of the FBR Open – it’s not our fault those idiots can’t consult a calendar and figure out when Mardi Gras is)
3 PM – 11 PM (or until Stacy gets tired and cranky and kicks everyone out!)
AND WHEN WE SAY 3 PM, WE AREN’T KIDDING. THE PARADE WILL START AT 3, SO TO SECURE YOUR PLACE IN LINE, ARRIVE EARLIER, like say, around 2:30 PM (But please, don’t stay later)
Krewe of Helios-AZ World Headquarters
24952 N. 74th Place, Scottsdale AZ 85255
View Larger Map“>(Handy Google Map)
For those of you who’ve been there before but whose memories have been wiped out by our fearsome Hurricanes… or for those of you who’ve never been there before, but want to act like you have: Please read the jump for handy traffic tips / alternate routes, parking advice, parade etiquette, dress codes, and arcane pieces of Mardi Gras trivia that might just save your life!

WE LIVE IN THE 5TH LARGEST METRO AREA IN THE COUNTRY: TRAFFIC SUCKS
Traffic conditions will be an ever-evolving story that afternoon due to the FBR Open-Container Fest, so please consider these alternate routes and driving suggestions:
– Avoid Hayden Road and Pima Road at all costs.
– Use Scottsdale Road with extreme patience and caution.
– Approach from the west or north, even if you have to drive way out of your way, unless you like to be stuck in traffic with a bunch of obnoxious golf fans who smoke cigars, go sockless in loafers and look like John Daly (but aren’t as charming).
Our suggested route: Take SR 51 to Loop 101. Exit Tatum Road, go north to Pinnacle Peak Road. Go right (east) 2.5 miles on Pinnacle Peak to Scottsdale Road. Go left (north) 1 mile on Scottsdale Road to Happy Valley Road. Go right on Happy Valley to North 74th Place (the second right). Our house is the first on the right.
View Larger Map“>Here’s a handy Google Map for you!


THE NEIGHBORS ARE ONTO US AND SHUT DOWN OUR FREE LOT: PARKING SUCKS
Yeah, we knew it was bound to happen the year we broke 100 attendees. The neighborhood next door that was under construction during our two previous parades and served as a pretty handy parking lot erected a fence at the end of the cul de sac and a gate in their community. I don’t know if they’re trying to tell us something (They have referred to our street as ‘The Ghetto’) but this means you have to park elsewhere. Our suggestions: 1) Carpool. 2) Do not block our neighbors’ driveways. 3) Get some exercise: There’s a dirt patch on the southeast corner of Happy Valley and Miller – about a block east of our street. If you drive east through the intersection of Happy Valley and Miller, you can park up on the dirt.
View Larger Map“>Here’s yet another handy Google Map (with satellite imagery – cool) so you don’t get lost.
WE KNOW YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO NEW ORLEANS, BUT YOU CAN ACT LIKE YOU’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE IF YOU HEED PROPER PARADE ETIQUETTE! Step off for our parade is PROMPTLY AT 3 PM. We are not waiting around for your lame self to navigate FBR Open-Container Traffic because you didn’t heed our handy traffic advice. THAT’S WHY WE ARE STARTING SO EARLY – TO AVOID CONGESTION. So here’s what will happen: You will follow the handy traffic advice. You’ll drop off your friends because you carpooled. You’ll park somewhere and find your way back. You’ll grab a non-adult beverage because you’re the designated driver (and your passengers will already be nursing hurricanes). You’ll await instructions from Stacy B delivered via BULLHORN. You’ll stand on the side of the road, wondering why someone would give Stacy B a bullhorn. The parade will start. You will move into the street and holler, “THROW ME SOMETHING, MISTER!” all the while, being careful not to remove your clothing. You will catch SO MANY BEADS THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT OFF THE MANY CO-EDS YOU’LL MEET LATER ON AT OTHER STUPID BOWL PARTIES THAT YOU HAD TO PAY TO ENTER. Or you’ll laugh as your kids tump over because they have so many said beads stacked around their necks that their growth is being stunted. The parade will make VI historic laps around the cul de sac – maybe less because we don’t have said permits to conduct said parade. We’ll finish up the parade and everyone will line up to EAT AMAZING, HOMECOOKED CAJUN FOOD.
It bears repeating, though we’ve said it for the past VI years and some people have yet to figure it out: If you arrive for the parade, YOU WILL BE FED. You’ll eat GUMBO and RED BEANS AND RICE and MUFFALETTAS! If you arrive late, like say, at IV PM, you won’t be fed and you’ll be sad, like Hatriots coach Bill Belicheater when he was caught FLAGRANTLY VIOLATING NFL RULES. ($&%*$&%!!!)

WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR MANBOOBS, SO ADHERE TO THE DRESS CODE AND KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON! Yeah, we live in North Scottsdale, not Gila Bend, so please… PLEASE! KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON.
We know that the pageantry and pomp and circumstances are so overwhelming that you might want to throw caution and undergarments to the wind, but we don’t want to see your manboobs. It’d be different if we were inviting… oh, members of the Spice Girls or the Thunder Down Under… but we’re not. We know what you look like, you’re our friends… and friends don’t let friends disrobe. Otherwise, jeans and T-shirts will suffice. If you decorate a float, you’ll get a T-shirt. Otherwise, you’re throwing elbows to catch one… if you’re lucky. And no, if you’ve been surgically enhanced, it will not enhance your chances to catch a T-shirt.

ARCANE PIECES OF MARDI GRAS TRIVIA THAT MIGHT JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE:
1) There’s a plastic choking hazard, aka BABY, in the King Cake! No, we’re not cannibals. It’s a Mardi Gras tradition. You too can be the King or Queen of Mardi Gras 2009 if you find the plastic baby in one of the King Cakes and live to tell the tale. Just find Pat or Stacy or King Ryan or Queen Cynde when you find the baby and you’ll be crowned for next year. Hooray! Just don’t choke on it, OK?
2) Gumbo is not Cajun for PAIN… unless your name is Patrick Bertinelli: We like our food a little spicy, but even if you don’t, YOU WILL LOVE IT. We will measure up our gumbo next to all and any comers. But if you’re a vegan, we’ll have a small pot of VEGETARIAN red beans and rice on the stove, and we promise not to laugh at you (well, not loudly). Grab two bowls while you’re in the food line – use one for gumbo and one for red beans. Pour each over rice. ALL GOOD.
3) LOOK OUT FOR THE ADULT PINATA! Yeah, it’s gonna be fun. It will hang from the tree in the backyard – and we’ll have a kiddie pinata and an adult one. They will be clearly marked. You must be XXI to participate in the Adult PInata – and we don’t recommend you stand too close while they’re trying to whack it because you might get hurt.
4) IF YOU’D LIKE TO BRING SOMETHING, CONSIDER LAWN CHAIRS AND NON-HURRICANE ADULT BEVERAGES – We provide hurricanes and hurricane’s only, made with the Pat O’Brien’s Top Secret Recipe from New Orleans. If you like BEER or WINE or OTHER, bring it. We will have nonalcoholic beverages for our designated driver friends.
Questions?
Call Krewe of Helios-Arizona Founders and Co-Captains
Stacy B (602-751-4506 ) or Pat (480-297-9091)
See you on Saturday, February 2!
Laissez les bon temps roulez!