Today, I received the most helpful medical advice ever, and in the interest of promoting good health and saving countless lives and untold heartache, I am proud to share it with you: DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA.
I’m having gynecological surgery, an in-office procedure to remove a benign polyp from my uterus. No, it is NOT a fetus – come on now, settle down. I’m not that bad – close, but not there yet.
To ensure I was comfortable with and prepared for my procedure, my doctor discussed in person and then mailed a hard copy of the pre- and post-op directions. They included the Most Important Safety Tip EVER.

Pre-Op Directions: Do not eat or drink anything after midnight the night prior to your procedure… arrive 30 minutes prior to your scheduled appointment… arrange for a responsible adult to take you home. We are uncertain as to whether my husband Pat qualifies for that role – so we might be taking up my friends on their offers to help (contributions of baked goods notwithstanding).
Post-Op Directions: Avoid strenuous activity for one week… You may return to work the following day… PLEASE DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA FOR TWO WEEKS.
Most… Important… Safety Tip… EVER.
Let’s just repeat its elegant simplicity and ponder the awesome clarity of this powerful directive:
DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA.
Penises? No. Feminine hygiene products? No. Battery operated personal appliances? No. Feet? No. Bananas? No. Door knobs? No. Torque wrenches? No. What part of ANYTHING don’t you understand?
DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA. ANYTHING!
If only life came with such straightforward instructions. We would have world peace and universal prosperity. Hell, we’d be well on our way to universal healthcare because we’d be cutting out some of the most expensive procedures in the hospital repertoire (birthing babies) as well as some of the nastier side effects of putting things in your vagina (sexually transmitted infections).
We’d eliminate the need for abortions… and then we’d have no need for Sarah Palin. Hell, if her daughter would have taken this simple advice, Bristol “Do what I say, not what I did” Palin wouldn’t grace the cover of People magazine in order to tell young teenagers to “do what I say, not what I did.”
Some facts: Only one-third of teen mothers get their high school diploma (Good job, Bristol!) 80% of teen mothers will rely on welfare at some point (Through July 27, Bristol’s accommodations are in part provided by Alaska taxpayers – the irony!) Boys born to teenage mothers are 13% more likely to end up in jail; girls born to teenage mothers are 22% more likely to become teen mothers themselves! This is just the statistical way of saying, putting things in your vagina creates problems for us all.
But if these kids, and many adults, would just heed the important safety tip – DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA – a lot of these problems would be solved. Now I can hear my more mature readers (and you’re not that mature if you’re reading this) saying they’re old enough to decide what they and their partners will and will not put in their vaginas. In fact, my sweet husband Pat frowned when I read the instructions – but the post-op directive doesn’t say EVER… it just says DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA FOR TWO WEEKS.
For teenagers, the Vagina Rule should start with DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA UNTIL YOU’RE 21. When they’re old enough to drink – and therefore legally old enough to make bad decisions – the two-week amendment will apply. Think of all the bad decisions that would be averted if the two-week amendment were in play: If you waited two weeks before putting anything in your vagina, your buzz would wear off, you’d realize he was a douchebag (another thing you can’t insert in your vagina post-op) and you would pat yourself on the back for a crisis averted. If you waited two weeks, you could save up enough money to buy the Hitachi Magic Wand, rather than put it on your credit card. If you waited two weeks, many an awkward emergency room visit could be avoided.
DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA is a lot like asking “What Would Jesus Do?” with the understanding that Jesus never had to confront vodka. Sure He could make His own Cabernet from high-quality H2O, but I can say with some certainty that Jesus probably never asked a woman to put anything in her vagina. In fact, His Holy Mother didn’t put anything in her vagina and what came out? Eternal salvation.
Yes, I know I am going to hell on a full scholarship – you were warned – but you can avoid a similar fate. You can save yourself and take this sound medical advice to heart: DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA.
(Sources: Healthcommunities.com; Planned Parenthood)