Yes, you’re still our friends… and no, you didn’t offend us when you threw up in the gumbo pot… and honestly, you didn’t get blacklisted when you sparked our first-ever police visit for your awesome (illegal) parking job… and it’s OK, really, our friend the paramedic didn’t mind resuscitating you after you licked the hottest substance known to mankind – and hey, at least you didn’t have to go to the emergency room.

So, no, don’t worry: you didn’t miss THE NINTH ANNUAL KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA MARDI GRAS PARADE AND PARTY.

Mardi Gras is late this year – Fat Tuesday is March 8 – which means our annual parade of Louisiana goodness and gluttony rolls at 4 PM on Saturday, March 5, 2011.

Queen Hilda Marchetti and her King Wes (if she’ll still have him) and the Krewe of Helios-Arizona invite you to our annual pageant of wackiness:

Saturday, March 5, 2011

4PM-10PM (and if you think you’re staying any later than that, you haven’t seen Stacy when it’s bed-time)

Krewe of Helios-Arizona World Headquarters (24952 N 74th Place, Scottsdale, AZ 85255)

We’re from Louisiana. The Saints won the Super Bowl – Yes, we realize it was last year but we still have it on the DVR so we can re-live every last moment in super slo-mo (Onside kick! Genius!). Tony Hayward has gotten his life back – and most of the Gulf Coast is getting its life back after Tony’s little oil-soaked debacle. So, we figured we might as well throw a party (actually, we’ve been doing this every year for the last nine years, as we are the first official Mardi Gras Krewe in the Grand Canyon State).

What’s that? You say you don’t know what a krewe is? If this is your first rodeo, you can read more detailed instructions on parade etiquette here and here. But because the Krewe of Helios-Arizona Legal Department requires it, here is the quick run down of disclaimers:

1) Arrive on time (4 PM) and you will be fed. We have vegetarian / quasi-kosher grits and red-beans-and-rice (as in, I can assure you that I didn’t cook bacon in this pot TODAY but that’s not to say it hasn’t been cooked there before and wasn’t washed previously, but we try not to cross-contaminate). We will also be serving authentic Krewe of Helios-Arizona gumbo (now, with bacon grease), bacon-garlic-jalapeno-cheese grits, and red-beans-and-rice.

1.5) Don’t choke on the baby interred in the King Cake. We’re not cannibals – but if you want to wear a fancy crown like Queen Hilda, keep an eye out for the plastic baby interred within the sugary lusciousness.

2) Bring a lawn chair as seating is limited – see Item 5. Bring ice if you’re feeling generous.

3) Bring your beverage of choice if you don’t like hurricanes – and we do have non-alcoholic options for the young people.

4) Don’t disrobe for the parade – we have plenty of beads for you and your kids to catch without your having to share your prodigious man-boobs. This is a family parade… and while we fully support nursing moms and their right to breast-feed, it’s kinda hard to do while flailing one’s arms about in an attempt to catch Mardi Gras beads.

5) If you sit on the couch and it smells like fresh dog-butt, that must mean our new couch hasn’t arrived yet. As you’re moving to a less fragrant seating area, just know that we scrubbed that cushion for days before giving up and deciding to replace the couch entirely. Fortunately, colitis in dogs is a treatable disease – so make sure you find our veterinarian, Dr. Jeff Brown (he’s the one with the hurricane and he’s likely double-parked) and thank him. Oh, and don’t feed the dogs rib-bones or king cake or gumbo or grits or red beans, no matter how pathetic they look at you.

6) Safety and security – We don’t know everyone that comes to our parade. In fact this year, the son-we-never-wanted (and 2011 logo designer) Ross Loftin is bringing some of his young-people friends… and you know how young people can be (He assures me that he won’t be dressed as a carnie). So be smart about your personal items. Lock your purse in the trunk of your car. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t park on Happy Valley Road.

7) If you want a T-shirt, decorate your car, shopping cart, bicycle or wagon and participate in our parade. The route takes an epic tour around the historic North 74th Place cul-de-sac. We’ll make about 5 laps and then head inside for food. I hope you can join us… and as they say in Louisiana:

LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER!

Sincerely,

Stacy and Patrick Bertinelli

Krewe of Helios-Arizona Captains