I married one of my best friends on Friday.

Actually, she married her fiancé, about 3 years and 3 months after I introduced them, set them up on their first date and then took them on their first date. On Friday, I just closed the deal – officiating their wedding ceremony in my new role as a licensed minister.

The Pastor of Disaster. The Sinister Minister. The Right Reverend of Wrong – I answer to them all, because I am – as of October 11, 2011 – a fully ordained, licensed minister, authorized under Title 25, Article 3, Section 125 of the Arizona Revised Statutes to perform a marriage ceremony in the Grand Canyon State.

The happy couple preferred to call me the Minister of Love and Awesomeness, and that suits me just fine – because the title doesn’t matter, what matters to the state of Arizona is that I filled out a form online, received my free ordination from The Universal Life Church Monastery, downloaded my free ordination certification, and then ordered the Monastery Credential Package for $49.99, which includes the “classic” gold and black official wallet card, a parking pass, a pen, 11 marriage, baptism and house-blessing certificates, and a bumper sticker that says “MINISTER” (a $75 value).

I didn’t have to order the Credential Package – because just downloading the ordination certificate met the criteria outlined by the state – but the parking pass was worth the price of admission, and Pat indulged me by hanging the hang-tag on his rearview mirror while we drove the groom to the site of the ceremony on Friday afternoon. I just wish that everyone else stuck in traffic with us could have gotten a better view of its awesome power.

And with awesome power comes awesome responsibility: I was overwhelmed and humbled by the honor of being asked to marry this couple. In fact, it was all I could do to keep from bawling my eyes out during the service – my hands trembled but my voice stayed strong (as long as I didn’t look at her). Neither the bride, nor the groom, has what we in the South would call a “church home,” but they wanted something more for their ceremony, beyond the dry recitations of a justice of the peace, and I was happy to oblige. As the one who started this snowball rolling, I was thrilled to bring it full circle. I spent two weeks writing the ceremony, weaving in the story of how they met, incorporating the wedding theme of Frogs and Dogs (a deft touch, I might add) and including Biblical scripture and poems that were meaningful to the couple.

It was my first marriage as a minister, and I hope it won’t be my last.

I believe anyone above the age of consent should have the opportunity to get married: Agnostics, Catholics, Britney Spears, schizophrenics, Jews, non-citizens, Evangelicals, interracials, inter-faiths, liberals, Nazis, the Kardashians, atheists, Newt Gingrich, satanists, tea-party activists, straights and gays. In fact, any of those people can get married anywhere in the United States of America – anyone except the gays.

Knowing the laws of the state of Arizona – and researching the laws of other states – any consenting adult of any race or any faith or any sexual orientation in our country SHOULD be able to get married. Like Arizona, the majority of states will allow any judge, ship’s captain or licensed clergy member to marry a couple – they just happen to require that the couple be a man and a woman, except in six states, the District of Columbia and on two Indian reservations.

So states decide who can get married but none require that the couple be married in a religious ceremony. That would be crossing the line between church and state. As far as I can tell, no state requires a religious test for anyone to get married – they don’t ask whether you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior when you walk up the courthouse steps. They don’t prohibit atheists from getting married, and they don’t ask whether this union will fulfill the goal of procreation as dictated in the Bible.

So why is it that some states are adhering to the principles of some religious sects by prohibiting two people in love – two gay people – from getting married in a civil ceremony? And why is it that some members of our legislative branch want to amend our Constitution to adopt a religious principle as the foundation for the civil code of marriage – in violation of the First Amendment of said Constitution?

The gloves are coming off because this is where, I, as an ordained minister, give the what-for to my companions of the cloth:

Lame Argument No. 1: Marriage should be between a man and a woman because marriage is for the purpose of procreation.

Oh really? I guess that means that Pat and I have to get a divorce because we have no plans to have his vasectomy reversed. I’m sure that means that good Christian women who can’t have children should never fall in love. I guess that means that widowers who court post-menopausal women should just “shack up” them instead (in violation of that whole Biblical anti-fornication thing). And speaking of adulterers, I guess that means Newt Gingrich should throw Callista to the curb since she has not borne him any babies. Next!

Lame Argument No. 2: Gay marriage will undermine straight marriage.

Divorce rates have not skyrocketed in the states that allow gay marriage. In fact, they have gone DOWN. Every time a straight marriage ends in divorce… it undermines straight marriage (Newt Gingrich, for the hat trick!). You’re not taking marriageable material out of the wedding market by removing gay men from the equation. They don’t want to marry your daughters – and you don’t want them to marry your daughters, so why do you care if they marry each other? If you’re that worried about them, just pray for them. It’s not like you’ll see those sinners in heaven… unless of course, you’re wrong. Next!

Lame Argument No. 3: If you allow gay marriage, what about pedophiles and bestiality and polygamy? What’s to stop a pedophile from marrying a child! What’s to stop a man from marrying a goat! It’s a slippery slope! You’re leaving the barn door open to Gomorrah!

Our laws are designed to protect those who cannot speak for themselves. It’s called “consent.” An animal cannot consent to being raped. A child cannot consent to being molested. Laws are in place to prevent this from happening and prosecute the ugly people who do so. Sadly, these laws don’t always work as well as they should (hello, Catholic Church!) but we’re trying. In the Arizona Strip, where the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is brainwashing and forcing teen-aged girls into plural marriage in the name of their religion, government officials in Arizona and Utah are working to provide safe havens for those young women, and they have prosecuted, convicted and imprisoned the leader of the sect. If you are concerned about welfare fraud achieved through polygamous unions, we already have laws on the books to prevent fraudulent abuse of benefits. If consenting adults want to be polyamorous in their bedrooms, I don’t care – it doesn’t undermine my relationship with my husband. They are consenting adults – and I am not a peeping Tom. The numbers of polygamous people are infinitesimally small compared to the numbers of loving gay couples who want the same legal protections as straight couples – oh, and they happen to love each other just as much as their straight counterparts.

Lame Argument No. 4: Gay marriage will undermine our religious freedoms.

No, it won’t. As it stands, our states have incorporated religious activity into our civil code by saying that a licensed minister can legally marry a couple… but STATES DON’T REQUIRE THAT A CLERGY MEMBER PERFORM THE CEREMONY. Allowing any couple to get married while sky-diving or driving through a Vegas chapel or standing in line at the courthouse or reciting their vows in a courtyard before their family and friends does not undermine the sanctity of a church marriage. As far as I can tell, it doesn’t impact a church marriage, beyond possibly taking rental fees off the table for certain Saturdays. With gay marriage, you can still have your straight religious ceremonies, and you will not be required to marry gay people – just like Pentecostal churches aren’t required to marry Jews and synagogs aren’t required to marry Muslims and none of them are required to marry non-believers. There is NO RELIGIOUS TEST to get a marriage license in this country – so why are people who are committed and in love required to conform to religious beliefs (gays are evil) that they may not share?

I performed my first wedding ceremony on Friday, and I hope it won’t be my last. The State of Arizona has conferred upon my free online certification a power that is commensurate with that of a preacher who serves a congregation of thousands and that of an elected municipal court judge and that of a Supreme Court Justice of the United States. It is a mighty power – the power of love – and it will overcome fear and prejudice and stupidity, I know it will.

I look forward to the day I can marry my gay friends, because it’s coming – it’s coming soon. Love will conquer. Love conquers all.