What would you do for $5?

My 27-year-old cousin Ross is, well, 27… and Saturday, he drank Bud Light Chelada, 24 fluid ounces of Bud Light and Clamato with Salt and Lime – The Perfect Combination™.

Pat had called to say he was stopping by the store on his way home and asked if we needed anything for our weekend entertainment? Ross asked him to pick up some beer, which we now understand (but have always known) to be anything but a giant, soulless, corporate brew. Ross prefers something in a bottle and derived from an earnest microbrewer toiling in service to his precious craft – something that usually costs $5 per bottle instead of $5 per six-pack… and that’s $5 he doesn’t really have right now as a lowly advertising intern.

Pat showed up with a can of Chelada – a 24-ounce tallboy of Bud Light Beer with Natural Flavor and Certified Color.

“So who exactly thought this was a good idea – beer and tomato juice?” I asked.

Like the early cavewoman who stumbled across an oyster and grumbled, “Me hungry, wonder what’s inside this bivalve?” someone in the modern era said, “You know, this Bud Light tastes just like yellow, fizzy water… what could I add to make it better? Tomato juice, perhaps?” Knowing a good thing when he sees one (Shake Weight, anyone?), his corresponding modern-era marketing genius decided to can it and sell it to the unsuspecting masses as Chelada – The Perfect Combination™ of Bud Light and Clamato.

Of course, they both could have just as easily reached for a Stone Ruination if they wanted a beer that tasted better than Bud Light (because adding the Clamato and salt and lime and injecting it into a tall-boy pumps up the calories to regular-beer status, though the trade off is an increase the Vitamin C and lycopene – which you could also achieve by adding ketchup to your Bud Light).

“And what exactly is their demographic?” Ross pondered. “I mean, this is like a bloody Mary but with beer instead of vodka, and it’s disgusting.  And really, if they’re just gonna put flavors in Bud Light like lime or wheat, couldn’t they have thought of something better than tomato juice?”

“You mean CLAMato. It’s got clam juice too.”

I say clam-MAY-toe… Ross says clam-AH-toe… Pat says chlam-YD-ia.

And because of that, along with the standard warnings about drinking and driving and drinking while pregnant and drinking and driving while pregnant, Chelada also has this important safety tip: CONTIENE: MARISCOS / ALMEJAS.  CONTAINS: SHELLFISH / CLAMS.

“You know, this is the first can I’ve ever read where the descriptions were in Spanish, followed by English – rather than the other way around,” Ross said. “Perhaps this is a cultural preference?”

“Maybe so, amigo,” I said. “And I’ll pay you $5 if you can chug it.”

“I’m in.”

And so the wager was on. To satisfy our curiosity and to share in a small bit of his pain, Pat and I agreed that we would each take one sip of the luscious Chelada. Doing so, unfortunately would preclude Ross from shotgunning* the can – he’d actually have to taste the Natural Flavor with Salt and Lime. Thus we agreed to let him pour it in a glass rather than drink it straight, which necessitated finding a glass big enough to accommodate 24 ounces of Bud Light and Clamato Juice… it’s harder than you think.

We went outside because I didn’t want him vomiting on the carpet. He cracked it open, took one whiff and looked like he’d begun to realize that there are some things that are not worth $5. Bud Light Chelada, in fact, is worth $2.49 after we saved 20 cents using the Safeway Club Card. We know a bargain when we see one.

The first thing you’ll note upon cracking open an ice cold “Red One” and pouring it into your frosty glass is the distinctive color and texture of the pour: It looks like cloudy, bloody urine. It may have Natural Flavor and Certified Color, but I am certain this color does not occur in nature – nor does its smell: It is the scent of regret, tinged with foreboding.

The Boy girded up his loins and began his Chelada Crusade:

As the smooth Chelada flowed from the glass into his gullet, I actually felt sorry for him. Had we bullied him into undertaking some cruel and unusual task just to have $5 in his pocket? Were we abusing our position as his rent-free landlords to have him perform feats of intestinal fortitude for our amusement? Had we become a virtual Scottsdale frat-house, hazing him so relentlessly that he had no choice but to imbibe this abomination?

Then I took a sip and didn’t feel so bad: It tasted like crap – like stale beer and with an acid tinge of vomit, to be precise – and it was funny watching him drink it. The Boy had earned every last penny – and perhaps he’d learned an important lesson.

“That tasted like shit – I don’t even think I could have shotgunned it. The stuff’s too thick – it’d be like shotgunning syrup,” Ross observed. “And this is the first money I’ve earned since I moved to Arizona.”

He pocketed his bounty and farted out his mouth – a red cloud of vaporized Bud Light and Clamato hovered above our backyard.

Of course, we then let him wash it down with a cold Moose Drool Ale (which is actually a very good beer from Big Sky Brewing in Missoula, Montana). Thusly lubricated, we set out to commemorate his gastronomic achievement, and we wrote this little song:

Bud Light Presents… Real Men of Genius

(Los verdaderos hombres de genio)

Today, we salute you, Mr. Chelada in a Can Inventor Man

(Mr. Chelada in a Can Inventor Man)

Any bartender can whip up a Bloody Mary, but it takes a special talent and refined palate to combine ice cold Bud Light with Clamato Juice …and toss in some salt and lime for flavor

(Shellfish Warning!)

You could have had a V-8, but instead, you opted for Natural Flavor and Certified Color

(The Perfect Combination)

You created a this 24-ounce, cultural exchange of taste… Because you like Bud Light Cheladas… and, getting caught in the rain.

(Grab a Red One!)

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light with Clamato, Mr. Chelada in a Can Inventor-Man, because every time we burp, we get to enjoy your red, salty, clammy, limey, beery goodness ALL … OVER … AGAIN.

(Mr. Chelada in a Can Inventor Man…)

Anheuser Busch, St. Louis, Missouri

* In case my Mom or Ross’s Mom (my Aunt Diane) is reading this, we do not encourage this type of behavior nor did I (wink-wink) know what it meant, so as a public service for the older demographic, here’s the definition of “shotgunning” via urbandictionary.com.