All posts by stacy

CSI: Coolidge Scene Investigators

carnage, dogs
The victim appeared to be a 110-pound Rhodesian Ridgeback

If you ever have to dispose of a body, do yourself a favor and don’t chop it up and transport it in the back of you car. Just ditch the car – wipe the prints and roll it off a mountaintop.

I can assure you: The trunk of your car will never be the same after it’s housed a dead body. The clean-up is long, loud and ultimately impossible. There will be blood – lots of it – and some day far in the future when you’re thinking you’ve managed to escape the long arm of justice, some crafty crime scene investigator or blood-spatter analyst will come along and bust your ass¹ for busting a cap in someone else’s ass.

I know this because Pat and I spent $354.31 and two hours last night cleaning up the aftermath of Coolidge Carnage™.

Those of you who are faint of heart may not want to read on or access our Gallery of Gore™.

Continue reading CSI: Coolidge Scene Investigators →

The Heartbreak of Home Improvement

carnage

Because admitting you have a problem is the first step: Pat and I suffer from a stage-3 case of Might-As-Well Syndrome (MAWS). We’re sharing our story to spare you the heartbreak of home improvement.

Symptoms of MAWS include repeated, illogical refrains of “as long as we’re _____, we might as well _____.” The resulting complications from this debilitating affliction include inability to set boundaries with hardware store employees, inflated credit card debt, paint-stained clothing, compulsive list-making, marital discord and weekend-long blackout periods not brought on by excessive drinking.

If you find yourself bleary-eyed on a Monday morning, wondering where your weekend went while crossing “touch-up baseboard paint” off a list written on the back of an envelope, you might as well ask your doctor about Might-As-Well Syndrome.

Continue reading The Heartbreak of Home Improvement →

Your Mission: Find Katarina and Hrvoje

adventure
The Happy Couple

Hrvoje and Katarina got married on July 28, 2011 at a hilltop villa, surrounded by silvery olive groves and bountiful pear orchards.

Bathed in dappled sunlight, 26 friends, family members and a feisty Maltese puppy celebrated the wedding. Katarina, slender and regal with her high cheekbones and porcelain skin, wore an understated, ivory silk gown and carried a clutch of white roses. She struggled to keep her emotions at bay, looking coltish and nervous at first then relaxing as the hours passed and reality settled around her.

Continue reading Your Mission: Find Katarina and Hrvoje →

Tebow Wins. Sanity Loses.

rage

I don’t hate Tim Tebow.

I hate the 43 percent of Americans that believe God helps Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos win.

I hate the 62 percent of sportswriters who have leapt onto that bandwagon. I also hate the 31 percent of non-sports media outlets that started flailing their arms and chasing after said bandwagon as it pulled out of the station when Tebow hit wide receiver Demaryius Thomas on an 80-yard touchdown pass to seal an overtime victory against the dreaded Pittsburgh Stealers last Sunday.

I also hate 100 percent of the CBS Sports broadcast team of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms who compromise Tebow’s virtue by shamelessly fellating him during their weekly two-hour gusher of  infinitely insightful color commentary.

And since I’m driving the bus on the highway to hell anyway: Any god that intervenes in a professional football game – in direct contradiction to his Ten Commandments – is not a God I want to worship.

Continue reading Tebow Wins. Sanity Loses. →