1) It cannot be repeated enough: Just because you mix Gatorade with vodka doesn’t mean you’re hydrated.
2) Mexican food recommended by a 52-year-old man with braids in his beard does not a good training table make.
3) Don’t run behind Jeffro or Pat if they ate Mexican food last night.
4) Cover or hover – there is no alternative when using a public toilet, especially if you’re Jeffro.
5) Don’t forget to take a towel! Or duct tape… or dry clothes… or sunscreen… or FLIP FLOPS since you’re going to throw away your shoes anyway.
6) Expect to find rocks in your jog bra when you’re done… and know this is why men are staring at your chest: It looks like you have triple-nipples.
7) If Stacy pushes all-in with three Oreos, she’s on a draw and Pat will get lucky tonight.
8) Beer snob or not, that cold Coors Light will be the best beer you’ve ever had when you’re done.
9) If you are wading chest-high through the lake and hit a warm pocket, don’t go underwater.
10) Kiss and/or thank the Marine before you use his thigh as a step-stool – it’s a courtesy.
11) Trim your finger- and toenails before starting the race because “The best manicurist in Scottsdale won’t want to touch those when you’re done,” says Roger, Our Hero.
12) Don’t leave your wet, muddy clothes tied up in a plastic bag in the back of your BMW… in the sun… for two days.
Category Archives: adventure
Team Limoncello Gets Down and Drrty at Mud Run
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – Before we begin, we offer this important training tip for Mud Run aspirants: Just because you mix Gatorade with vodka, doesn’t mean you’re hydrated.
Hungover, out of shape and unprepared, Team Limoncello completed the World Famous Marine Corps Mud Run in 1 hour, 34 minutes and 59 seconds Sunday at Camp Pendleton. In their maiden Mud Run, team captain Kellee “Goat” Stooks, team sherpa Patrick “Mud” Bertinelli, team orthopedic surgeon Jeff “Jeffro / The Ringer” Martin, team personal injury attorney Roger “Our Hero” Martin and I, team bartender and official scribe Stacy “Toes” Bertinelli, finished in 202nd place overall – 94th in the Mixed Team division.
But we can say we were the fastest hungover team in our age group – and we did beat 99 other teams, and even whipped 386 individuals who started the run 15 minutes ahead of the teams… though we cannot vouch for their blood-alcohol content.
Here is our triumphant Team Limoncello victory photo…
Now, before you start complaining that “Hey, these’s guys don’t look too muddy,” please note that both Patrick (left) and Roger (far right) were wearing white T-shirts when we started the race… and this was after we’d been blasted by fire hoses. Click here to read more and find out whether you’d like to be one of us, the few, the proud, the Team Limoncello Mud Runners…
Continue reading Team Limoncello Gets Down and Drrty at Mud Run
HE IS THE CHAMPION!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE is the Champion, my friends…
‘Cause heeeeeeee kept on riding, til the end…
HE IS THE CHAMPION!
HE IS THE CHAMPION!
No time for LOSERS ’cause HE IS THE CHAMPION…
Of the Southwest Region!
PHOTO CREDIT: Mike LaPutt
Daytona – Day Four: Triumph! Joy! Exhilaration!
Patrick Bertinelli and the No. 93 Krewe of Helios-AZ Suzuki GSX-R 1000 overtake another rider on the fabled 31-degree banks of Daytona International Speedway.
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — Call it the Fantastic Fourth.
Patrick Bertinelli raced the No. 93 Krewe of Helios-Arizona Suzuki GSX-R 1000 to a thrilling fourth place in his fourth and final race – the Speedscreen Unlimited Grand Prix Amateur Championship at the CCS Race of Champions at Daytona International Speedway yesterday.
In the process of completing his best finish for the race weekend, Bertinelli also helped teammate Ray Thibodeaux capture second place in the event, while fellow Arizonans Matt Heppler and Gary King rounded out the Southwest’s spectacular finish, placing sixth and seventh respectively in a race that saw a number of off-track adventures.
“I kept seeing guys going all over the track – off the track, in the grass,” Bertinelli said. “I kept thinking – it’s a 10-lap race, guys, you have to finish to place. I just stayed on the track and kept it pinned and was careful. It was a great race.”
Continue reading Daytona – Day Four: Triumph! Joy! Exhilaration!
Daytona – Day Three: Mechanical Disaster! Disappointment! Conflict!
DAYTONA, Fla. – Improper tire pressure, lack of horsepower and miscommunications in the pits yesterday conspired to produce one sucky day of racing for our Arizona contingent.
Continuing his triumphant return to Daytona, Ray Thibodeaux finished third in the amateur unlimited SuperSport race yesterday, but his podium finish was erased when Team Thibodeaux failed to take his winning bike to tech inspection.
Thibodeaux could not escort the bike to inspection personally because he was out on the track racing in the subsequent amateur middleweight SuperSport race, where a mechanical failure made it impossible for him to shift his bike, resulting in a seventh place finish. A successful protest was launched and Thibodeaux’s third-place finish was reinstated – about the only highlight of the day.
“That sucked!” Patrick Bertinelli said after a disappointing 11th place finish in the amateur unlimited SuperSport race, where low tire pressure had the No. 93 Krewe of Helios-Arizona Suzuki GSX-R 1000 bucking him up and down the fabled 31-degree banking of NASCAR Turn 4. Matt Heppler of Payson followed in 13th while Gary King of Cave Creek placed 17th. In the concurrently run expert unlimited SuperSport, Dave Stone cursed his way to an equally unhappy seventh.
“I had no horsepower!” Stone said, in one of his few comments that did not include the adjectival, adverbial, verb and noun usages of the f-word. “A friggin’ Ducati beat me! A Ducati!?!”
On the No. 613 aztrackday.com / All Stone Army Suzuki 650, Alan Chook placed seventh in the expert lightweight SuperSport race.
Because of inconsistent wireless connectivity, we hope to post the final day’s results on Sunday evening, October 22 – but that may or may not happen. So to tide you over, feel free to read our next entry: WHY I HATE HARLEYS.