Good news: The morning after having my plumbing roto-rooted under general anesthesia, I feel better than I did the morning after I had my toenails removed with Novocain and a pair of pliers.
Of course, I’m also on better pain meds. Hooray!
Yesterday afternoon – LATE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, as in 22 hours, 30 minutes after I last tasted food and 9 hours after I last drank anything, including water – I underwent a hysteroscopy and D&C to remove a benign polyp from my uterus.
As with any of my recent outings (See Grand Canyon & Toenails entries), this too was an adventure! Keep reading for the blow-by-blow recap – but only if you haven’t recently eaten.

Unfortunately, my sweet husband Patrick was prohibited from accompanying me to the outpatient surgery center – after his having been diagnosed with strep throat the day before. Thus my good friend, Gina “Tell ’em I’m Your Sister so I Can See You – and Don’t Forget to Ask for the Anti-Nausea Meds” Canzonetta accompanied me on this fantastic journey through modern medicine. Rather, she hung out in the waiting room for five hours. Woo-hoo!
IMPORTANT SURGERY SAFETY TIP No. 1: At year’s end, everyone wants to undergo surgery because they’ve finally met their insurance deductibles. Thus my benign uterine polyp was competing with someone else’s knee replacement and another’s boob job. Not that my plumbing is any more important than their knees or knockers, but that I was scheduled for the last outpatient surgery on the last day of the year: 3:45 PM on Thursday, December 29. Did I mention I hadn’t drunk anything since 7:45 that morning, nor had I eaten anything since 6:15 the night before?
IMPORTANT SURGERY SAFETY TIP No. 2: Sushi is not a good last supper. Enough said.
An hour after my scheduled surgical start time, I stared at the ceiling, visions of filet mignon, grilled asparagus, garlic-jalapeno mashed potatoes, a big Caymus Cabernet Sauvignon and hazelnut gelato swirling around the bed-sheet curtains of my pre-op pod. My pinings were sated when my anesthesiologist, the good Dr. Teys, whisked back the curtain.
Her name is pronounced “Tase” as in, let’s Taser Stacy with some chemical goodness so she won’t remember or feel any of this in the morning. She deployed her X-26 needle (with the anti-nausea meds) into my IV, and I found myself sailing along on a gilded litter of narcotic well-being toward the operating room.
“This place looks like a garage,” I observed in my pharmacological brilliance.
“Why do you say that?” Nurse Jill asked as she moved me onto the table.
“It’s like where you work on cars – there’s all these big mushhhhh-sheeeeeens!” I said, ready to expound on my metaphor of cars, plumbing and gynecology.
“Well, I guess it is a little like a body shop – for people,” Nurse Jill said with a laugh.
One second later, she said, “Wake up, Stacy. We’re finished – everything went fine.”
In the interregnum, or perhaps I should say, “inner-leg-numb,” my GYN, Dr. Patricia Grade, removed the polyp with a hysteroscope (like a laparascope but for X-chromosome plumbing), and then cleaned up my pipes with a D&C procedure. In terms of surgeries, it was a NASCAR pitstop – 30 minutes, tops, and very routine. Prognosis is good – polyps happen – sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t, and there’s not much I can do about it either way. I’m just glad to have it gone.
My sweet husband Pat – inspite of being stumped by strep – has been a terrific post-operative nurse, ready with the chicken soup and Jelly Bellies when I spilled out of Gina’s car and melted onto my couch. Even better than his post-op care, Pat did the heavy lifting on the pre-op end – keeping my fears at bay with his honest perspective and terrific sense of humor. Truth be told, in the run-up to surgery, I was a drug-commercial of catastrophy, conjuring diagnoses of second belly-buttons, toenail cancer, four-hour erections, constipation, chest pains, runny nose, fever, night sweats, night vision, pride, lethargy and sloth. And Pat was there for me – taking my laptop away when I spent to much time on the Internet.
IMPORTANT SURGERY SAFETY TIP No. 3: Step away from the WebMD. When you receive an unfamiliar diagnosis, just don’t go there or to any of the other medical diagnosis web sites. Go to your doctor. And after you go to your doctor, don’t go home and visit the Web. Your friends will thank you for it. Your friends will thank me for it.
And now I would like say “Thank You” to my Sweet Husband Pat for taking care of me during your time of need, to Gina for staying with me and insisting on the anti-nausea drugs, to Dr. Grade for listening, diagnosing and cleaning me up, to my employer, Public Radio Partners, for their understanding, great benefits and prescription drug coverage ;), and to my Good Family and Good Friends for your good thoughts and prayers.
And also to any readers who have made it this far! Have a terrific 2006!