Mardi Gras Etiquette = Biggest Oxymoron Since Non-Alcoholic Beer.
Truly, Miss Manners would blush – scratch that, FAINT – at some of the goings-on in New Orleans (just ask Stacy about Mr. Self-Service Man). But that’s not to say there aren’t a few basic rules of order we can follow to ensure everyone has a fun parade and we aren’t hit with any major liability lawsuits. So if you haven’t joined us for any of our previous four outings, please READ ON…

1) KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON. The only people that flash for beads are co-eds from North Carolina on their first underage New Orleans bender and the aspiring cast-members of a Joe Francis straight-to-DVD featurette. Most of our friends look like us, and thus, we really don’t want to see your man-boobs, as we likely will have to see you in the hallway at the office on Monday morning. There are plenty of beads to go around. You will not have to disrobe to catch them. All you have to do is arrive ON TIME before 4 PM, find a good place on the parade route (it’s a cul de sac – it’s not that big) and then shout ‘THROW ME SOMETHING, MISTER!’ and you’ll catch more than your fair share of Mardi Gras beads and then be the envy of all your uninvited friends.
2) ARRIVE ON TIME. We are cooking for 100. If 125 show up, the late-comers will be out of luck – as they are EVERY FREAKIN’ YEAR. If you show up at 4, you’ll see the parade and catch lots of beads and get a good place in the food line. We live on a cul de sac – it’s not that big. Ergo, if you arrive on time, you won’t miss it. If you miss it, you’ll likely be scraping the burnt dregs of the red beans pot before Adam uses said pot as a barf bag.
3) PARK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD NEXT DOOR. It’s still under construction and so far, they haven’t closed the gate. If you want to get a decent parking spot: Come north on Scottsdale Road, go east on Happy Valley and take your FIRST RIGHT into the Sanctuario neighborhood (it’s not our hood, we don’t care if you park in their yards). Park and then walk northeast up the street. You’ll walk over a short patch of desert and into the end of our cul de sac. Keep going up the cul de sac and our house will be the last on the left. You won’t be able to miss it. Also, for safety’s sake, lock your purses and valuables in your trunk – but bring the beer/adult beverages to the house.
4) ADD RICE TO YOUR GUMBO AND RED BEANS. But don’t mix the gumbo and red beans. And don’t get on my case because I cook instant rice. I cook instant rice because I HAVE TO FEED 100 PEOPLE IN A HURRY. Most folks that are NOT from Louisiana always ask me, “Is this rice a side dish – if so, it sure was nice of you to think of us Scottsdale-ites who don’t know grits from polenta.” When you’re in the line, get two bowls. Seriously, put rice in the bottom of the first bowl and put the gumbo on top. Put more rice on the bottom of the second bowl and put the red beans on top. There’s a reason they call it “red beans and rice.”
5) HURRICANES. Limit yourself to one. Trust me.
6) WHAT CAN YOU BRING? Yourself, your significant other and your kiddos (but unfortunately, not your dogs because our Winslow and Coolidge wouldn’t approve). If you’re from the South and you were raised right and you want to bring along something else, consider LAWN CHAIRS (with your name on them) and BAGS OF ICE and ADULT BEVERAGES YOU DON’T MIND SHARING or send me an email and I’ll let you know what else we need. The mission of the Krewe of Helios-Arizona is to roll out the welcome-mat of Southern hospitality – but that doesn’t mean we’ll turn you down if you insist on bringing something… notice I didn’t say SOME RANDOM PEOPLE YOU PICKED UP ON A CURB.
7) HOW CAN YOU BE IN THE PARADE? Arrive at 3:30 PM so you can load up with beads (we provide ’em) and decorate your vehicle. It’s really that simple – but if you’d like to practice, just drive through the Broadway curve every day at 5:30 PM for a week. We live on a cul de sac – it’s not that big, ergo it’s hard to turn around seven bead-flinging cars… unless they’re MINIs. (See ALL ABOUT HIP-HOP entry). There is a contest for the “BEST IN THROW” – the vehicle deemed coolest by a panel of our Queen and King – and if you win, you’ll be the envy of all your non-float-driving friends because you’ll join Marge, Chris and Kristi as “WEARERS OF THE COOL ‘BEST IN THROW’ HAT.”
8) HOW CAN I BE THE QUEEN? When you’re standing in the food line, check out THE MOST EXCELLENT DESSERT TABLE. There you will find a purple-green-and-gold deflated bundt-cake that looks like the remnants of a nuclear fallout. That’s the King Cake. Grab a slice, but be mindful that there may be a plastic baby interred therein. If you get the slice with the plastic baby (and don’t choke to death), you will be the 2008 King/Queen of the Krewe of Helios-Arizona parade, and you will be the envy of all your friends and you will join most excellent company: Trey Hernandez, Morrie Puzzie, Paige Harper, Katherine Leatham and this year’s queen, Michelle Page. Just don’t follow the example of Trey and eat the entire King Cake looking for the baby, unless Adam is at the ready with the soup pot.
9) WHAT DOES ‘LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULEZ’ MEAN? Let the good times roll.
10) WILL THE SAINTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL? They have to get there first – but if they do, and the Apocalypse does not arrive with frogs raining from the sky and seas turning to blood, we will still have our parade. We’ll just have more reasons to celebrate – and yes, we parade rain or shine (they do in New Orleans) and NO, you can’t have my coveted New Orleans Saints beads – not even if you flash your man-boobs (see Rule 1).