Hello, my name is Stacy… and I watch American Idol.
It’s not something I’m proud to admit – it’s easier, in fact, to confess that my favorite South Park episode of all time is ‘Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset,’ but after what I witnessed on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I’ve decided to come clean… in part, for what American Idol has revealed to me about myself…
BEWARE: I’M ABOUT TO SAY SOME POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE THINGS BELOW THE FOLD, SO DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN YOUR FOND FEELINGS FOR ME
I’m not parent material. I don’t think of kids in the same way that normal people do.
Most of you probably figured I was well aware of this, but Tuesday night confirmed it.
When Pat and I were watching Sanjaya honk his way through “Girl, You Really Got Me,” FOX producers kept cutting away to this pre-teen blonde girl, who was knock-down boo-hooing in a Beatles-arrive-on-US-soil gusher of tears. Of course, my first thought was NOT: “How sweet that this teeny-bopper is soooo over the moon for Sanjaya that she’s crying tears of joy.”
No, my first blurt was: WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY EXPLOITING THIS POOR RETARDED GIRL?
Because, CLEARLY, no person of sound mental constitution could think that the sound of a cat being stuffed in a blender could be confused with singing. OBVIOUSLY, no person of average intellectual capacity would think that the tongue-thrusting Sanjaya could be confused with, say, someone as cool as Mick Jagger. And SURELY, no child in their right mind would think that Creepy-Haired Androgy-Boy could possibly be … attractive? YUCK.
Apparently, this girl – Ashley Ferl of Riverside, Calif. – is not mentally challenged … nor intellectually challenged … nor learning disabled… nor slow… nor whatever the politically correct term is today. She’s just STUPID. And according to one of my top three sources of news, Keith Olbermann, SHE WAS A PLANT. You can watch Olbermann’s commentary here (but be warned that you have to sit through Sanjaya sounding as though his “man-bits” are being fed through a wood-chipper – paste the link in your browser if it doesn’t link here):
http://video.msn.com/v/us/fv/fv.htm??g=43f766a9-019e-40fb-a90b-3ab99091ae23&t=c152&f=06/64&p=hotvideo_celebrity&fg=>1=9145
Fortunately, if this entire experience has done anything for me, it has made me realize that I can quit AI cold-turkey and with a clean conscience. I was hoping to see if Arizona’s own Jordin Sparks would win it all, and I was hopeful that charming Blake Lewis might go far. I will even admit to relishing the day that Haley Scarnato, her “pageant-esque” singing ability and her “pageant-esque” knack for playing up her assets (did you see the stems on that girl Tuesday night?) would take the swan dive from the Top 10.
But since this Ferl-girl’s Boo-Hoo-Hoedown is now being linked to the survival of Sanjaya (and I have definitive proof that she is not in the fifth percentile for intellectual development after watching her being INTERVIEWED on the TODAY show), I have decided that it’s all rigged.
OK, I realize that many an Idol fan probably figured that out, oh, six seasons ago – but after heaping six seasons’ worth of scorn on 31 million other Americans, I got hooked on AI this year after tuning in for the annual “Flog Fest” when the pageant of untalented humanity self-flagellates, I mean, auditions to be on the show. I couldn’t look away from the trainwreck – I moved it to No. 2 on my TiVO list – but now I can turn it off with clean conscience, and with the realization that I am not parent material.
Dearest Stacy-
Just got to your AI blog today and must respectfully disagree with your self-assessment.
I have never watched AI, in fact, I change the channel when Fox News or the Fox Morning Show promotes AI.
Your reaction to this weekly non-event illustrates your good taste, common sense and well developed intuition. All of these qualities contribute to excellent parenting skills.
Having said that, remember that I share your lack of maternal sentiment. Having the skills for a job should never compel one to make it a career!
Stacy Bee,
Yes, of course it’s rigged. No train wreck is that perfect without there being a fix in. And it’s camp. But it’s a delicious show. We get to see all the cool visiting artists, and some contestant gets tortured and whacked every week. It’s a legal drug, though apparently an upper for some of us and a downer for others. You have to admit, Jordin is a fantastic singer; she can’t help it if she’s not rock and roll. But this Sanjaya, he’s so far out he’s in; he’s on his own planet, and that is way cool. He’s the worst singer and the best entertainer to make it as far as he did. All those Howard Stern voters gave AI the finger and played right into their hands. Look, Sanjaya is a natural ham with a great style sense and an infectious grin. Mark my words, he’ll be in Vegas making more money than you and me both. Laughing out loud.