My definition of “sports:” Athletic competitions between individuals or teams where the winner is determined by previously agreed upon rules and objective criteria.
There are winners. There are losers. The clock, the finish line, the knock-out punch, the yardstick, the checkered flag, the scorecard: These objective criteria determine who goes on, who goes home – or in the case of the Olympics this week: Who gets the gold and the glory (or the silver and salutations or the bronze and a nice trip to the pawn shop).
By my criteria, many of the most popular Olympic events fail to qualify as actual sports though they are, undoubtedly, athletic endeavors: Gymnastics, figure skating, synchronized swimming and its diabolical twin, synchronized diving, regular diving, dressage… I mean, really – DRESSAGE? … and of course, rhythmic gymnastics. And even though it’s not in the Olympics, it is still my favorite punching bag: Cheerleading = Not A Sport … though I’m sure the cheerleading stage moms are doing their best to garner their pastime a place in the five-ringed medal count. (And I will likely hear from them, but guess what, Wanda Holloway, the comment function is conveniently broken!)
Sport / Not A Sport – This is all you need to know to be the judge: IF THE OUTCOME OF A CONTEST IS DEPENDENT ON WHETHER THE EAST GERMAN JUDGE IS HAVING HER PERIOD, THE CONTEST IS NOT A SPORT; IT’S A PAGEANT
If you’re not pissed yet, keep reading… you will be (but you also might learn something if you pay attention).

The not-a-sports defy objective criteria because all rely upon judges to determine at least part of the outcome. After all, have you ever heard of a Gymnastics World Record? Didn’t think so, because it can’t be measured – the bar will always move, and many times it’ll move based on what 65-year-old Soviet-era male coaches or 58 year-old battle-axe judges think 16-year-old girls should look like. Consider: People actually told Mary Lou Retton she was fat. Are you kidding me?
Like gymnastics, most of the not-a-sports cluster in the “female” realm of competitive activity and thus historically have involved conformation to an aesthetic and not entirely athletic ideal – in part because girls weren’t allowed to compete in “real” sports for fear they would overexert themselves. Yeah, talk to Babe Didrikson Zaharias and Wilma Rudolph about that.
But consider the aesthetic ideal as you watch the not-a-sports during the XXIX Olympiad (and others): The tiny gymnasts, the leggy figure skaters, the disturbingly thin divers… and whatever it is that dressage is judged upon. In real life, we call it “style points,” and in the realm of many of these not-a-sports, it’s not that far from a dog show. Sadly, to conform, these girls have higher levels of eating disorders and bizarre behavior than in the real sports. It’s just as unhealthy as doping / steroids and just as far from the Olympic ideal – swifter, higher, stronger. Seriously: How do you reconcile the Olympic ideals with figure skating – Bitchier, glitterier, most likely to kneecap you in an alley?
This is not to say these gals aren’t athletes – they kick ass, and could easily take you or me in a fight … until they turn 35 and have the bone density of a 90-year-old. And truly, they experience the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat: It brought me to tears to see team captain Alicia Sacramone’s falls on the beam and floor exercises… Let me just say this: I do not pretend to be more of an athlete than any of these women: I couldn’t carry their maxipads… (not that they need them). After all, for me, tumbling is a by-product of attempting to walk. I don’t do it on purpose.
Though the powers that be have figured out ways to make gymnastics more “sporty,” it’s still a competition that borders on being a pageant, and so, I throw myself on the spears of 10,000 rabid not-a-sport parents and present for your increased knowledge and ease of understanding, an event-by-event analysis of SPORT / NOT A SPORT.

Synchronized Diving: Not A Sport – I prefer to call it gravity-assisted gymnastics. Anytime a commentator discusses “pretty form,” you can warm up the microphone for Bert Parks.
Anything in the X-Games that has “Freestyle” in the Name: Not A Sport – It’s entertainment for the ADHD masses.
Dressage: Not A Sport – It’s modeling on horseback, but the horses have better teeth and I have yet to see a horseback rider that looks like a Brazilian supermodel. And by the way, WHO EXACTLY IS THE ATHLETE HERE? If you consider the horseback riders to be athletes, then you have no argument against motorSPORTS.
Figure Skating: Not A Sport – Any event that has a sub-category called “ice-dancing” shouldn’t even aspire to sports status… It has Atlantic City Boardwalk written all over it. Curling is a sport. Figure skating is a Disney show coming to an arena near you.
Boxing: Not A Sport – It’s organized crime. See Don King. Olympic-level boxing and amateur boxing straddle the tightrope between Sport / Not A Sport, but as soon as a judge is called upon to render a point on a punch, the sweet science becomes a contest. (And those of you who know my abject worship of Muhammed Ali know how much this pains me to say.) Sadly, my new favorite passion, Ultimate Fighting Championships, also straddles this balance beam of ball-busting pseudosportism.
Diving: Not A Sport – It’s proof that gravity exists. I like to call it pretty falling… then again, you’ve never seen me go off a diving board.
MotorSPORTS: Sport (no question) – And this includes motorcycle racing, NASCAR (shudder), Formula One, go-karting, motorcycle racing, IndyCars, lawn-mower racing, drag-racing, tractor pulls and did I mention, motorcycle racing? See dressage – if you consider the horseback rider to be an athlete, you can no longer look my husband in the eye. Besides, the first one to the finish line, or the one that pulls the sled the furthest, wins – doesn’t matter how they look when they get there.
Bowling: Sport – Seriously, you cannot begin to think about style points in this competition (that’s a compliment, Yvonne). The winner in bowling is determined by a scorecard, and they exert themselves while they do it. Therefore it has more right to be in the Olympics than RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS. Bowling = Sport.
Cheerleading – Not A Sport. It’s a sideshow… which is why those girls are on the SIDELINES and the real female athletes are spiking volleyballs and draining 3-pointers and pitching no-hit shut-outs. When was the last time you saw a cheerleading “team” attending one of their school’s girls athletics events? And isn’t their mission encouraging the student body to support their schools’ teams – rather than flaunting their student bodies in underage auditions for future roles on stripper poles? NOT A SPORT.
Synchronized Swimming: Not A Sport – It’s a motion-picture dance number. Sorry… this historic “women’s” pseudosport doesn’t even believe in gender equity, i.e., they won’t let boys participate, regardless of how well they conform to the aquatic ideal. Screw You, Syncrhonized Swimmers!
Rhythmic Gymnastics: Not A Sport – This is for home-entertainment purposes in the Bertinelli household. The ribbons… Pat loves the ribbons.

No-Limit Texas Hold ‘Em: Not A Sport – Yes, it’s broadcast interminably on ESPN… and yes, it’s an event in which I can actually participate, but to compete at its highest level, aka, the Olympics – YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO QUALIFY, YOU JUST HAVE TO BUY YOUR WAY IN. Plus, though my heart was racing at the World Series of Poker, you can drink a beer while you compete so it doesn’t qualify as an athletic endeavor. In fact, women’s gymnastics is more of a sport than poker… and women’s gymnastics is not a sport. Ergo: Poker = Not A Sport.
That said, I will bravely face the onslaught of pissed off not-a-sport parents. As they say in cheerleading (not-a-sport), “YOU BITCH!” But as they say in beach volleyball (sport), football (sport), field hockey (sport), golf (sport), basketball (sport), hammer-throw (sport), rowing (sport), bass-fishing (sport) and mountain biking (sport), BRING IT ON!