I hate LinkedIn – the essential social networking site for working professionals… Granted, I don’t hate it as much as I hate the New England Hatriots and their coach Bill Belicheater, but I definitely hate LinkedIn more than I hate Harleys.

LinkedIn bills itself as the “busy person’s” Facebook or MySpace – it’s for people who do important things, like make money and broker deals. Mainly, it just annoys the hell out of me. Initially I signed up for it because I kept getting pinged by colleagues who used it, and I’d get emails saying, “Invitation to Connect on LinkedIn.” So I accepted the first invitation… then the second… then the third and then I realized it wasn’t so much an invitation to connect as it was an invitation to receive a ton of LinkedIn-generated, unsolicited email from people I already contact regularly – as well as a ton of unsolicited email from people I DON’T REALLY WANT TO TALK TO.

I got an “invitation to connect” from some guy who used to read my newspaper column in COLLEGE. I don’t even know this guy – and even better, I DIDN’T even know this guy 15 years ago: IF I WASN’T YOUR FRIEND THEN, WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND NOW? Or is this some kind of trophy hunt: You want to list me as your “friend” so you can show all your other “friends” that your “friend” is the former Stacy Feducia – the chic that wrote the buttcrack column back at Texas A&M? Are you serious? Graduate, dude!

I hate LinkedIn because I’m a salesperson. I make unsolicited contacts through my job all the time, letting people know I have a solution for problems they didn’t know they had. It’s a tough enough job without the knowledge that these poor souls are now being “invited to connect” by every other jackass in the universe with a cool widget to sell. Thanks, assholes!

LinkedIn is supposed to make my life easier by helping me “Find People and Knowledge I Need to Help Me Achieve My Goals.” Well, here are my goals: Tell me, LinkedIn, how can you help?

GOAL NUMBER 1: Not be found by every moron that didn’t have the pleasure of being my friend in college. Looks like you already FAILED at that one, LinkedIn. Thanks, assholes!

GOAL NUMBER 2: Keep the onslaught of spam in my in-box at a reasonable level. Gee, not only can I learn about the “No1 Online C@s1n0” and “Cheap & Discount V1agra!” via email, but now I can also be annoyed by people I don’t want to talk to. Now I get so many freakin’ pings from LinkedIn that I don’t have time to devote to online hobbies that REALLY matter, like keeping up with my favorite website, www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com. Looks like you FAILED again, LinkedIn. Thanks, assholes!

GOAL NUMBER 3: Maintain a modest level of privacy. When People magazine reporters call your UNLISTED PHONE NUMBER IN ARIZONA LOOKING FOR A QUOTE ON YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW’S PENDING DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA, privacy becomes an issue. Now, because I made the fatal error of signing up for LinkedIn, anyone can find me ANYWHERE, including that chic that stalked me back in Fort Worth. Thanks, assholes – now I’m going to go buy a Taser. Where do I send the bill?

GOAL NUMBER 4: (And this one comes straight from LinkedIn) Control My Professional Identity Online. Well, when I tried to control my professional identity online by REMOVING myself from LinkedIn, I continued to be assaulted by “invitations to connect.” Now every time a REAL FRIEND or a PROFESSIONAL COLLEAGUE THAT I REALLY LIKE sends me an “invitation to connect” I have to respond saying, “I like you and want you to be my friend, but I don’t participate in LinkedIn” and I sound like an UNFRIENDLY jackass, like I’m some kind of down-on-her-luck Luddite rocking back and forth on the side of the information superhighway with a cardboard sign that says, ‘Thanks, assholes!’

GOAL NUMBER 5: Use good grammar. FRIEND is a noun. It’s not a verb. Granted, this applies more to other equally abhorrent social networking sites like Facebook, Friendster and MySpace. The fact of the matter is, the act of “becoming friends with a person” is the definition of the verbbefriend” – but in the universe of social netstalking sites, you’re not even “befriending” anyone – you’re just hanging their pelt of thrice-removed acquaintanceship on your wall of glory. Have fun with that! So no, LinkedIn, you and your unseemly ilk do not help me realize my goal of using good grammar, and now, I’m going to use my favorite word in its noun, verb, adjectival and adverbial forms on your lame LinkedIn ass: FUCK YOU, LINKEDIN – YOU HAVE FUCKING FUCKED UP MY GOALS, YOU FUCKING FUCKS. For those of you playing at home, here’s how that breaks down: verb, adverb, verb, adjective, noun.

Oh, and thanks, assholes: In writing my LinkedIn screed, I’ve realized that I DO HATE YOUR SITE MORE THAN I HATE BILL BELICHEATER!