On behalf of the Krewe of Helios-Arizona – the only Mardi Gras parading organization in the Grand Canyon State – we’d like to wish a hearty “THANK YOU” to the more than 70 revelers that joined us for our seventh annual Mardi Gras parade and party: You came, you saw, you grabbed beads, you ate gumbo, you drank hurricanes, you withstood the verbal onslaught that is Stacy’s bullhorn and you lived to tell about it.
For those of you who couldn’t make it, well, there’s always next year: Mardi Gras 2010 is Tuesday, February 16. Though we’re too tired to establish an official date for KOH-2010 just yet, you can safely mark your calendars for either Saturday, February 6 or Saturday, February 13.
But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let’s relive some of the pageantry and excitement of Krewe of Helios 2009! (Much more after the jump – including photos! Woo-hoo!)

This was the first year in the seven-year history of the Krewe of Helios that law enforcement officers attended our party, and not as invited guests. I had hoped that our inaugural run-in with the law would have involved some public indecency citations, a parade-permit violation or maybe even a nice little noise abatement complaint – and how could we miss public intoxication? But NOOOOO, our first-ever visit by the Scottsdale 5-0 stemmed from the fact that our awesome veterinarian Dr. Jeff “You’ll Never Live This Down” Brown illegally parked his red Nissan Pathfinder in the middle of Happy Valley Road… and this was BEFORE the party.

If you look closely, you can see the assembled throng mocking Jeff’s parking prowess… actually if you look really closely, you can see the ladies encouraging him to “earn his beads” by engaging in a little public lewdness. Sadly, Jeff walked away with his clothes on and a parking ticket in his pocket – and the dubious distinction of being the first Krewe of Helios parade-goer to involve the police in our activities. In honor of his achievement, we will be giving him a lifetime driveway parking pass, a get-out-of-jail-free card and a year’s worth of hard times. Congratulations, Dr. Jeff “You’ll Never Live This Down” Brown!
Not to be outdone, Jim “It Burns! It Burns” Cox (read that out loud real fast a few times… but I digress)… Let’s do another take:
Not to be outdone, Jim “It Burns! It Burns! “Cox set a new Krewe of Helios-Arizona heat index record for pain when he licked the cork stopper on Pat’s bottle of Blair’s 3 AM Death Sauce. I can assure you that Blair’s 3 AM is not a marital aid – and now, so can Jim. Normally we don’t go around letting our friends lick our utensils at Mardi Gras (or any other time for that matter), but I can safely say that any germ-like residue that Jim may have left behind was burned off along with his top layer of tongue flesh, as Blair’s 3 AM is ranked at 2 million Scovilles – the official measure of flaming pain in spicy foods (and you just thought the gumbo was hot). See for yourself what real pain looks like:

Note the glistening beads of sweat on his forehead as he quaffs the remainder of our milk and chases it with cold, clumpy rice. Imagine the holy terror unleashed during his visit to the bathroom the following morning… or perhaps you heard the screams? In honor of this searing stunt of growth-stunting proportion, we would like to honor Jim with a lifetime supply of Blair’s 3 AM Death Sauce (because literally, one bottle will last your entire lifetime as we will usually add only one teeny tiny drop of it to anything we’re cooking, but only after intense discussion of the consequences). Blair’s – It gets you coming and going. Congratulations Jim “It Burns! It Burns!” Cox.
And more congratulations are in order as we would like to salute the 2010 Queen of the Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade, TAMI SIMMONS!!! Tami and her husband Ed (if he behaves himself and she chooses him to be king) will preside over the 2010 edition of our parade, taking the hideous plastic crowns from two-time rulers of cul de sac parade, Ryan and Cynde Cerf Dehmer. Thank you to Cynde and Ryan for your two years of enthusiastic service (and for helping decorate the house and load up the parade floats and having your folks drive the lead float and greeting guests while Stacy took a shower). Long live our new queen – and no, we won’t make you monitor Stacy’s bathroom breaks, we promise!

In addition, we’d like to give thanks more repeat offenders: Chris and Kristi Walsh, who won their second Best in Throw trophy for their stirring “Helios Rising” parade float, complete with orbital sun sculpture and sparkly curtain of foily goodness.

Let it be known that the rookie entry in this year’s parade – Rico Suave from the Krewe of Balthazor and Coleman – has thrown down the inflatable gauntlet for next year’s endeavor as they hope to wrest the title from Team Walsh. “We know what we’re up against,” Ron Coleman said, “and we’ll be back – now give me my inflatable man back.” Sadly either Rico or Suave followed Jim “It Burns! It Burns!” Cox down the road to fiery perdition. Rick Bucher – a paramedic and firefighter – tried to resuscitate the poor man, but it was too late. Perhaps Rick should have used his firefighting skills on “It Burns” Cox… or not.

And now, I can hear the orchestra at the Kodak Theater swelling with the hints of an entire string section backed by heavy percussion, so I’m going to wrap these acknowledgments up and bring it on home: To our friend Stacey Martin, who traveled all the way from Nashville, Tennessee with babe Daniel in arms to attend her seventh consecutive parade and help assemble the muffalettas and keep the kitchen tidy: Thanks for coming out!
To our new neighbors – Chris, Stacy, Bret Dillan and Halley, Cheryl and her friends Jan and David, plus our across-the-street neighbors Tim and Jan, who also helped get the muffalettas out of the oven and into your gullets: Thanks for coming out!
To our longstanding neighbors who put up with us every year: Alice, Julie, Ira, Gary and Val – this ain’t your first rodeo, and thanks to you, it isn’t our last: Thanks for coming out!
To Christine who helped set up the plates and utensils so y’all could eat and for bringing her boys who discovered exactly how much king cake they could eat: Thanks for coming out!
To Liz who cleaned up afterward so we didn’t have to wake up Sunday to an epic disaster – and to her husband Paul who brought over the lawn chairs and helped us mow – and to their boys Colton and Cody who were just cute as could be in their KOH shirts: Thanks for coming out! To Claudia and Jerry and Michael and Rhea and Stella and Stanley: Thanks for the chafing dish and thanks for coming out!
To Lanie and Jim “It Burns! It Burns!” Cox who helped us clean up the yard and kitchen on Sunday morning and brought orange juice for “Big Breakfast Day” and drove all the way down from Vegas to join us: Thanks for coming out!
To everyone who came to celebrate Louisiana culture for the seventh straight year and put up with my bullhorn and indulged in our hospitality: THANKS FOR COMING OUT – we’ll see you (and everyone who couldn’t join us) next year! Happy Mardi Gras!
Laissez les bon temps roulez!