In my enduring effort to liberate my rock-hard abs from their buttery prison of fried chicken and waffles, I decided to take up yoga.

Having experienced Zen Yoga and the art of Pavana Muktasana (the Wind-Removing Pose – which in my case can be called upward-facing flatulence), I decided to kick it up a notch and try my hand at Hot Yoga, especially since my two special introductory offers with Urban Yoga and At One Yoga had expired, and I’d just scored one month of unlimited hot yoga at Sumit’s Yoga through Deal Chicken.

Serious yogis practice yoga in ways that speak to their heart – I, on the other hand, try to practice as cheaply as possible. What that says about my heart is uncertain, but knowing my competitive nature, I thought the words “dynamic, challenging workout” spoke to my soul more than “contemplative, calming meditation.” So the unsuspecting (and imminently game) Laura and I trotted over to Sumit’s after work one day for an invigorating round of Hot Yoga: 90 minutes of dynamic, strengthening yoga poses in a room heated to 115 degrees.

Or, basically hiking in Arizona in July at 3 PM, I thought. How hard can it be?

Continue reading A Hot Mess of Hot Yoga →

In my enduring effort to free my pure physical specimen from its accumulated coat of beer and bacon grease, I decided to take up yoga.

I see women like Jennifer Anniston and Madonna and Wendie Malick and Gwyneth Paltrow – strong, lithe, supple – and I think to myself: What do they have that I’m lacking? Basic coordination, genetic superiority and good posture, for sure… along with an innate ability to avoid that second donut. Must be the yoga: It builds balance and flexibility (important in a 39-year-old body) and I’m told it helps settle the mind so you can focus on more important things than beer and donuts and olives and cheese.

I signed up for a gentle / zen / yen yoga class with my friend Laura (who had no idea what she was getting herself into). It’s an hour-and-a-half of stretching – for an admittedly inflexible person, the benefits seemed self-evident, and really, how hard could it be?

Continue reading Zen (Yoga) and the Art of Telling Left from Right →

Went to the doctor for my follow-up exam – thrilled to have made it two full weeks without putting anything in my vagina. Fortunately, because I followed the MOST IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP… EVER, my parts are healing up quite nicely… so I had to compliment my doctor on her excellent advice.
“You know, I thought your post-op instructions were awesome – I mean, there’s no misunderstanding involved at all with: DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA. I thought that was hilarious.”
“Well, it’s not a joke. You’d think when we told people not to have sex or use tampons for two weeks that they would have figured it out, but no, we had a woman who did some damage with a really large dildo. So we had to be very clear.”
Ergo, anything.
“So what’s the strangest thing you’ve ever found in a vagina?”
“Me?” she looked up from the modesty drape and thought for a moment. “Toothpaste.”
“Toothpaste,” I said. “Guess she was going for that minty fresh feel.”
“I had no idea. I couldn’t figure that one out – toothpaste.”
She must’ve had a really bad cavity.
(Be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses – we’ll be here all week. Hat-tip to Pat for that one.)

Today, I received the most helpful medical advice ever, and in the interest of promoting good health and saving countless lives and untold heartache, I am proud to share it with you: DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA.
I’m having gynecological surgery, an in-office procedure to remove a benign polyp from my uterus. No, it is NOT a fetus – come on now, settle down. I’m not that bad – close, but not there yet.
To ensure I was comfortable with and prepared for my procedure, my doctor discussed in person and then mailed a hard copy of the pre- and post-op directions. They included the Most Important Safety Tip EVER.

Continue reading Most Important Safety Tip… Ever →

For those of you scoring at home, Patrick “Flipper” Bertinelli successfully underwent his third shoulder / clavicle / upper extremity surgery in four years – the second in four months – yesterday at Arrowhead Hospital under the skilled knife of Dr. Evan Lederman, the official orthopedic surgeon of the Krewe of Helios-Arizona.

My three regular readers have been through this drill before – so we put together the following FAQ segment to answer important medical questions in small words and big type so everyone can understand…

Continue reading Fun with Rotator Cuffs: The Sequel – Or Why Hanging Out in Hospitals is like Waiting in an Airport →