My Sarah Palin toilet paper arrived in the mail yesterday.
As with the heavy feeling of relief you seek after downing the whole burrito (along with two baskets of chips, a side of refried frijoles and three margaritas on the rocks with salt), anticipation does not approach the sense of eager yearning I had to test-drive this two-ply.
Raring to release her on my rear-end, I prepared my turd-pushing training table: Bananas, grapefruit, dried plums, with a side of pistachios. Taco Bell gorditas. Tasty McRib sandwiches. Expiration-dated milk (smells a little off, but still tastes fine!) I decided to forgo the obligatory sprinkling of cheese on every entree, lest any small action prevent me from achieving my goal. A can of pinto beans doused in Tabasco-habanero sauce? Check. A hearty bowl of Kashi with a tall glass of TempE.coli Town Lake water? Of course! Steamed broccoli with a side of shoe-peg corn? You betcha!
And I had seconds on the corn, thanks! Don’t retreat – reload!
Tonight would end with three capsules of Metamucil’s finest fiber supplements, washed down by a cold, hoppy beer (opened with my new iPhone bottle opener / protective phone case). Tomorrow would begin with two cups of black coffee and a morning run before my eagerly awaited morning runs.
Now, excuse me while I go punish the guest-room toilet.
“Turn on the vent!”
“Yes, Pat. I’m turning on the vent.”
“Don’t be upper-decking, either! I don’t want to deal with this on chore-day. Clean up after yourself!”
“That’s what Sarah Palin’s for!”
The things we do for free shipping: When ordering the iBottle-opener / protective phone-cases for me and Pat from the fine folks at www.baronbob.com, I realized that if I spent just $9 more, I’d get free shipping. So I searched for items could I not live without at the low, low price of only $9… Three tubes of Bacon-Flavored Lip Balm? Meh. A Kim Jong-il Dear Leader Tongue Scraper? Nah. An Electronic Yodeling Pickle? An Electronic Yodeling Pickle? Seriously?
But Sarah Palin toilet paper? If they sold it at Costco, I’d have bought a case.
At $11.95 per roll, the Sarah Palin toilet paper is a good facsimile of the real thing: An inflated sense of self-worth far out of proportion to its usefulness to society. Coarse and irritating, Sarah Palin collapsed under the pressure of her regular responsibilities, leaving me to wash my hands of the mess she left behind. Oddly enough, our favorite Drill-Baby is printed with environmentally friendly soy ink on recycled paper, which would make her namesake paper both ironic and merely shitty.
If anything the Sarah Palin toilet paper has reinforced my long-held belief that bathroom tissue should be spooled in an overhand tradition, rather than underhanded. It works better this way because you can read her little kernels of home-spun wisdom right-side up, while you’re pushing coffee-charged kernels of shoe-peg corn all the way down the watery bowels of the Scottsdale sewage system: “Doggonit… say it ain’t so, Joe!”
“You’d better give me a mercy flush!”
“Dammit, Pat, we have another bathroom you can use.”
~ flush ~
Cottonelle, I miss your simple, nondescript charms: Though it seemed like a good idea at the time, wiping my ass with the abrasive face of Sarah Palin just doesn’t do it for me. As in real life, she left me feeling a little raw and chafed.
“Do you need the plunger?”
“No, Pat. It’s fine.”
“Well, you’re the only one in this house who’s ever stopped it up.”
“Can I have a moment of peace? I’m trying to finish … … ah … … oh … … my blog, in here.”
That said, the friends who’ve requested a few squares of Sarah for their personal use make me think there’s a profitable future in other politically charged sanitary products – like Christine O’Donnell Vaginal Deodorant, Dick Cheney Urethral Swabs, or maybe some Santorum-brand Antibacterial Diaper Wipes?
Sadly, these flash-in-the-pan products are all hype, no wipe. Like many Republicans, I find myself disappointed in their practical application: Sarah Palin wanted to be second-in-command of our great nation, and yet she can’t even manage my No. 2.