Sedated, plated and thoroughly elated, my sweet husband Pat is back in one piece now and snoozing on our couch in his freshly laundered hospital gown.
We showed up at the Gateway Chop Shop and Drive-Thru Surgi-Center this morning at 7, had a meaningful 45-minute visit with Dr. Evan “Rack-em/Stack-em” Lederman at 8 and made it back to the house by 10:30 AM. In the same time it took to put Pat’s humpty-dumpty collarbone back together again, you could have driven from downtown Phoenix to north Peoria. That, my friends, is efficiency.
Here’s Pat before the operation – you can’t really see the bone fragment pushing against his skin, but at least the colors are pretty.
Highlights of Pat’s visit: When his new best friend, the anesthesiologist, pushed the “happy meds,” Pat told the assembled collarbone-correction team, “Well, it’s been nice knowing y’all, I think I’ll sign off” and promptly lost 45 minutes of his existence … Dr. Lederman let Pat keep the drill bits he used to plate and screw his three-piece left clavicle back together – not sure what Pat is going to use them for, but he’ll have plenty of time to putter around the garage since he won’t be back in fighting shape for another three months… Pat got a new blue hospital gown to add to his collection – he asked the nurse if he could keep it because he likes them for “home use” … We learned a new term for genitalia when we overheard the following from a nurse in the adjacent recovery cubby: “Now Mrs. X, Mrs. X – just lay back down. Pull that sheet up, OK? Don’t show us your Britney. We don’t want to see your Britney. Just cover back up, Mrs. X.” Wondering if the male version is a “Federline.” … The good news is that Pat is pretty much back in action now – he has three functioning limbs (four for my purposes) plus one flipper, and he should be back on his feet by Monday.
Here’s Pat after the operation, when we were hoping the curtain didn’t pull back to reveal Mrs. X’s Britney. He wishes there was gin and ginger ale in that plastic cup – soon enough, my friend!
We left 10 minutes after I took that photo. So now we’re back at the Pat and Stacy World Headquarters and he’ll be laying low throughout the weekend. He has plenty of Percocets to keep him comfortably numb, and no, you can’t have any – unless you decide to break your collarbone in three places, in which case, we have a drill bit, two hospital gowns and an aspiring pre-med student looking for some practice. Any takers?
Category Archives: carnage
Pat’s Bad Break(s) or Why Clavicles Don’t Bounce
My sweet husband tucked the front wheel of his motorcycle going into Turn 3 of the second lap of his third and final race on Sunday. Here’s what happened next…
Continue reading Pat’s Bad Break(s) or Why Clavicles Don’t Bounce
Daytona – Day Four: Triumph! Joy! Exhilaration!
Patrick Bertinelli and the No. 93 Krewe of Helios-AZ Suzuki GSX-R 1000 overtake another rider on the fabled 31-degree banks of Daytona International Speedway.
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — Call it the Fantastic Fourth.
Patrick Bertinelli raced the No. 93 Krewe of Helios-Arizona Suzuki GSX-R 1000 to a thrilling fourth place in his fourth and final race – the Speedscreen Unlimited Grand Prix Amateur Championship at the CCS Race of Champions at Daytona International Speedway yesterday.
In the process of completing his best finish for the race weekend, Bertinelli also helped teammate Ray Thibodeaux capture second place in the event, while fellow Arizonans Matt Heppler and Gary King rounded out the Southwest’s spectacular finish, placing sixth and seventh respectively in a race that saw a number of off-track adventures.
“I kept seeing guys going all over the track – off the track, in the grass,” Bertinelli said. “I kept thinking – it’s a 10-lap race, guys, you have to finish to place. I just stayed on the track and kept it pinned and was careful. It was a great race.”
Continue reading Daytona – Day Four: Triumph! Joy! Exhilaration!
Daytona – Day Three: Mechanical Disaster! Disappointment! Conflict!
DAYTONA, Fla. – Improper tire pressure, lack of horsepower and miscommunications in the pits yesterday conspired to produce one sucky day of racing for our Arizona contingent.
Continuing his triumphant return to Daytona, Ray Thibodeaux finished third in the amateur unlimited SuperSport race yesterday, but his podium finish was erased when Team Thibodeaux failed to take his winning bike to tech inspection.
Thibodeaux could not escort the bike to inspection personally because he was out on the track racing in the subsequent amateur middleweight SuperSport race, where a mechanical failure made it impossible for him to shift his bike, resulting in a seventh place finish. A successful protest was launched and Thibodeaux’s third-place finish was reinstated – about the only highlight of the day.
“That sucked!” Patrick Bertinelli said after a disappointing 11th place finish in the amateur unlimited SuperSport race, where low tire pressure had the No. 93 Krewe of Helios-Arizona Suzuki GSX-R 1000 bucking him up and down the fabled 31-degree banking of NASCAR Turn 4. Matt Heppler of Payson followed in 13th while Gary King of Cave Creek placed 17th. In the concurrently run expert unlimited SuperSport, Dave Stone cursed his way to an equally unhappy seventh.
“I had no horsepower!” Stone said, in one of his few comments that did not include the adjectival, adverbial, verb and noun usages of the f-word. “A friggin’ Ducati beat me! A Ducati!?!”
On the No. 613 aztrackday.com / All Stone Army Suzuki 650, Alan Chook placed seventh in the expert lightweight SuperSport race.
Because of inconsistent wireless connectivity, we hope to post the final day’s results on Sunday evening, October 22 – but that may or may not happen. So to tide you over, feel free to read our next entry: WHY I HATE HARLEYS.
Patrick Survives First Date with Daytona
DAYTONA, Fla. – Patrick Bertinelli and the No. 93 Krewe of Helios-Arizona Suzuki GSX-R 1000 tested the laws of physics during practice sessions yesterday for the CCS Race of Champions at Daytona International Speedway.
Hugging the fabled 31-degree banking in NASCAR Turns 1, 2, 3 and 4, Bertinelli wound the GSX-R 1000 up to 180 miles per hour and more, appearing to ride almost parallel to the apron of ‘The World Center of Racing.’
“I don’t care how I finish,” Bertinelli said after his first practice session. “I just want to survive this weekend and make it back in one piece.”
Part of returning safely to Arizona would entail learning how to drive like a Floridian.
Apparently, every resident of the Sunshine State is required to slam on their brakes before using their turn signals (when they feel the need to use their turn signals.) Team sponsor and crew chief Stacy Bertinelli acknowledged her relief at purchasing the extra insurance for their rental car after braving the Florida Turnpike.
“It’s just like New Jersey’s – only there are more old people and less dead bodies,” she said. “Though after a week of driving with these old people, I could make some additions to the dead-body count.”
The carnage at Daytona International Speedway included two red-flagged practice sessions, leaving Bertinelli and fellow Arizona racers, Dave “Mouth of the Southwest” Stone, Ray “Marlboro Man” Thibodeaux, Alan Chook “Me All Night Long,” Matt “Just Happy to Be Here” Heppler and Gary “Fender Bender” King, limited opportunities to experiment with gravity.
As you read this, Stone is probably still complaining about his tires.
With record-setting temperatures in the upper 80s with 90 percent humidity, the Birthplace of Speed did not offer a gracious welcome to our heroes. Throughout the afternoon, menacing clouds threatened a downpour, but did nothing to mitigate the stifling heat.
“I’m starting to have fun,” Heppler said. “But I still can’t get used to those banks.”
The 31-degree banks proved more vexing for our Arizona racers than a golf-cart traffic jam at a four-way stop in a Central Florida retirement community. Running parallel to the pavement and just a few feet from the wall, Patrick Bertinelli clocked his fastest speed at 182 miles per hour.
“If something happened, I wouldn’t even know it until it was too late,” he said. “I have learned today that I do not have big balls of brass – I have medium-sized balls and that’s OK with me!”
After ten hours of racing, our Arizona contingent returned Garage 21 bowed but not beaten by the bodacious banks – and ready for a full weekend of racing.
“It was a great day,” Chook said, “because nobody crashed.”
Amen to that, brother!