Normally it takes anywhere from 45 minutes to 90 minutes to make my bacon-grease roux.

On Sunday, February 24, during test-cook No. 1 for the Gladiators of Gumbo cookoff, it took 18 minutes. 18 minutes!

I managed to brown my roux and assemble a palatable version of Pat and Stacy’s Thanksgiving Day Gumbo in 3 hours, 18 minutes, 56 seconds, while cooking for the very first time over an open flame on my new Bayou Classic Outdoor Gas Cooker… and I didn’t burn the house down. Although technically, it took me 22 hours and 58 minutes to cook all of it – since I really started on Saturday at 2:20 PM when I pulled my 24-pound turkey from the brine, popped it in a 350-degree oven and commenced three thrilling hours of bird-flipping, vegetable-chopping, sausage-grilling and okra-snotting, and truth be told, I forgot the okra-snotting until Sunday morning (add that one to the checklist!)

Continue reading The Competitive Cooking Chronicles, Part 2 →

My television viewing habits have bled into my hobbies: I started watching Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo way back in 2005 and subsequently threw up all over myself at the World Series of Poker and finished seventh in the Arizona Women’s State Poker Championship. I turned my attention to Miami Ink on Discovery Channel in 2007 and ended up in New Orleans with a fleur de lys tramp stamp.

Thank God I’m not a fan of Dancing with the Stars or America’s Got Talent… but I do watch BBQ Pitmasters on Destination America and Chopped on Food Network, so it came as no surprise to my sweet husband when I proclaimed, “I want to enter a gumbo cookoff.”

“Sounds good,” he replied calmly. I was surprised that he didn’t offer anymore pushback… until I realized he was probably more shocked than relieved that he hadn’t been smacked with: “I’d really like to start cooking pharmaceutical-grade meth in an underground lab.”

Or perhaps: “Man, I’ve got an itch to go hunt zombies with a crossbow.”

Or maybe even, “I’d just love to set Anne Burrell’s hair on fire.”

Hey, I can’t be the only one that’s ever had that thought.

Continue reading The Competitive Cooking Chronicles, Part 1 →

We found wild fennel at the beach this weekend and decided to plan Iron (Internet) Chef.

According to the California Invasive Plant Council, fennel flourishes in coastal areas because it originated in the Mediterranean. It grows so rapidly that CIPC considers it a nuisance.

Well, one man’s nuisance is another girl’s nosh: After my third ocean-swimming attempt turned into an ocean-walking anticlimax in Malibu, I decided to bag aquatic activities altogether and forage for fennel. It grows up and down the steps leading to the beach, so I literally pass it every time I decide to go for a swim (and then change my mind).

Continue reading Fennel Fantasia →

Sometimes, someone gives you the perfect gift: For Patrick, it was a Louisiana-shaped chile-roasting rack for his grill, courtesy of my Mom and Dad. Never again would we consider eating frozen, flash-fried jalapeño poppers from a box.

Because we could now make our own. Which means, it’s time to bring the pain!

Warning: The actual cooking of these peppers involves knife-handling skills, open flames and spicy substances. Don’t put an eye out, don’t rub your eyes and don’t let your kids make them unsupervised. According to Pat, I’m not allowed to make them unsupervised either – for all of the above reasons.

Continue reading Our Homemade Jalapeño Poppers, aka Weapons of Ass Destruction →

Yes, you’re still our friends… and no, you didn’t offend us when you threw up in the gumbo pot… and honestly, you didn’t get blacklisted when you sparked our first-ever police visit for your awesome (illegal) parking job… and it’s OK, really, our friend the paramedic didn’t mind resuscitating you after you licked the hottest substance known to mankind – and hey, at least you didn’t have to go to the emergency room.

So, no, don’t worry: you didn’t miss THE NINTH ANNUAL KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA MARDI GRAS PARADE AND PARTY.

Mardi Gras is late this year – Fat Tuesday is March 8 – which means our annual parade of Louisiana goodness and gluttony rolls at 4 PM on Saturday, March 5, 2011.

Continue reading Krewe of Helios-Arizona IX, 03.05.11 →