Today, we are boycotting the so-called (and trademarked) “Big Game” because we are fans of the egregiously wronged New Orleans Saints. If you were watching the previous two weeks of Stupid Bowl hype (we weren’t), you’d think there’d be nothing to do on Sunday, February 3… but you’d be wrong. Here’s what we’re doing to pass the day without offering Goodelldermort one thin household rating point:
I’m going bra shopping. These girls can’t support themselves, and they sure as hell aren’t supporting Tom Shady, Bill Belicheater and the New England Hatriots or extremely handsome Sean McVey and his Los Angeles Scrams. I might look for something in black and gold.
Speaking of eating, like true Louisianans, we are stuffing our rage down our food holes. We started this morning with waffles, bacon (natch) and mimosas (THANK GOD THE STUPID BOWL IS NO LONGER IN DRY JANUARY). Yesterday, Pat went to the store for provisions, which included two scratchers, a Powerball quickpick (net $24 profit!) a sack of gummy LifeSavers, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup, a dozen wings, a frozen meat-lovers pizza and vodka. We also have two gallons of gumbo that we made and froze last weekend. And three more bottles of Champagne: Dry January is over, bitches.
I might do my taxes… and while doing so, I’ll contemplate the fact that up until just five years ago, the NFHell was a nonprofit organization.
I will definitely do laundry… and even fold and put it away.
We will likely binge-watch The Punisher and imagine the Lombardi Trophy at the end of that sledgehammer.
We will wear our unofficial Saints logo gear ALL. DAY. LONG. (Once we change out of our pajamas… It’s 1:12 PM MST – 3 hours, 18 minutes to kickoff, as I’m writing this).
The good news is, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WATCH THE GAME. Goodelldermort doesn’t care who wins as long as your eyeballs are weeping the sweet nectar of TV ratings points (Los Angeles, #2 television market in America… Hmm). So if you’re conflicted and you can’t figure out whom to hate, REMEMBER: WHEN YOU WATCH, GOODELL WINS. So how does a Fixer Upper marathon sound, America?
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULEZ! It’s Mardi Gras time!
Come one, come all to the Seventh Annual Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
4PM – 11PM
Pat and Stacy World Headquarters
24952 N. 74th Place
Scottsdale, AZ 85255 View Larger Map“>(Google Map)
Now most of you have been to one of our six previous adventures and already have the hang of how to celebrate Mardi Gras with the professionals from Louisiana. (Rule 1: don’t take off your clothes. SERIOUSLY. Do NOT take off your clothes.) But since many of you are NOT from the Pelican State and only have drunken recollections from college friends and “Girls Gone Wild-New Orleans” videos to go by, we’ve included the following handy guidelines for how to celebrate Mardi Gras the Krewe of Helios-Arizona way, aka – how you can get fed, fill up on hurricanes, avoid choking on plastic babies, score lots of beads and survive with your liver intact (though slightly compromised). Please read on for the wholesome goodness, aka What can you bring?
If today is the Epiphany, then Carnival Season is upon us… and that can only mean one thing:
1) You have no idea what I’m talking about (so you can go ahead and skip this entry)
2) You’re not Catholic (and neither are we)
3) You’ve had a hankering for a hurricane for the last three days, which means…
THE 7th ANNUAL KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA MARDI GRAS PARADE AND PARTY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!
Yes, it’s already been a year, so your livers and taste buds should be back in working order in time for the onslaught of olfactory pain known as Pat and Stacy’s Krewe of Helios-Arizona Gumbo, our authentic Louisiana red beans and rice, real Pat O’Brien’s Hurricanes (limit 2), true Sicilian muffalettas, and new this year, the redneck rampage known as Gene’s Garlic Cheese Grits (with jalapenos and bacon)… and who can forget the legendary Mardi Gras king cake shipped direct from New Orleans to hop your kids up on so much sugar you could have just as easily given them Red Bull with espresso chasers.
Come one, come all, come get as close as you can to the Big Easy without having to disrobe on public streets while little old ladies elbow you to grab trinkets worth less than a penny a piece. We’ll have advice on how to celebrate Mardi Gras in a later posting – for now, we just want to get on your dance card:
WHAT: KREWE OF HELIOS-ARIZONA MARDI GRAS PARADE AND PARTY
WHEN: SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2009 from 4 PM* to 11 PM
WHERE: PAT AND STACY WORLD HEADQUARTERS ~ 24952 N. 74th PLACE, SCOTTSDALE, 85255
WHY: Because you need to celebrate Mardi Gras with the professionals.
*The parade will step off at 4; if you miss it, you likely won’t get fed and won’t catch any beads.
Laissez les bon temps rouler!
Stacy and Patrick Bertinelli
Krewe of Helios-Arizona
Captains and Co-Founders
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday (aside from December 9, which is National Day of Celebration for the Birth of Stacy Feducia – mark your calendars). And on this Thanksgiving morning, I awoke to the sound of raindrops at my window – football weather in the desert – and I realized that I have so much to be thankful for on this grateful day…
Loosen up those bead-grabbing muscles and start training your tastebuds for pain: The Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party is upon us! King Ryan and Queen Cynde Cerf Dehmer invite you to join us for the VIth Annual Mardi Gras in Arizona Extravaganza! – ONLY THE BEST FREE PARTY YOU CAN ATTEND THIS STOOPID BOWL WEEKEND (and we don’t lie, it’s the best party… ever) Krewe of Helios-Arizona Mardi Gras Parade and Party VI
Saturday, February 2, 2008 (Yes, we know it’s the day before the Super Bowl and the Saturday of the FBR Open – it’s not our fault those idiots can’t consult a calendar and figure out when Mardi Gras is)
3 PM – 11 PM (or until Stacy gets tired and cranky and kicks everyone out!)
AND WHEN WE SAY 3 PM, WE AREN’T KIDDING. THE PARADE WILL START AT 3, SO TO SECURE YOUR PLACE IN LINE, ARRIVE EARLIER, like say, around 2:30 PM (But please, don’t stay later)
Krewe of Helios-AZ World Headquarters
24952 N. 74th Place, Scottsdale AZ 85255 View Larger Map“>(Handy Google Map)
For those of you who’ve been there before but whose memories have been wiped out by our fearsome Hurricanes… or for those of you who’ve never been there before, but want to act like you have: Please read the jump for handy traffic tips / alternate routes, parking advice, parade etiquette, dress codes, and arcane pieces of Mardi Gras trivia that might just save your life!